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0:50
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I decided that I was going to go on this social kick for April. 5 days a week, minimum, I'd do something social apart from my normal stuff. Go out alone. Hang with different groups of friends. Accept invites from people I didn't fully trust. Take trips to see old friends. Get the eff out of my comfort zone!
The goal of all of this was to try to get myself into a better mood. I've been known to hermit it up and stay home far too much, and consequently get depressed and lame. So I realized that I needed to make a valid effort to meet new people. Do new things. Again: get the eff out of my comfort zone.
And the results? Kind of failed.
I've spent way more money than normal. Haven't really met anyone new. (But I have discovered some people I thought were just basic friends were actually pretty damn good people.) I've made some pretty terrible choices. (oh, hi Sherriff. No. I haven't been drinking, thanks for pulling me over to check though.) Been hurt by some people I didn't expect it from. (you know who you are, ps: suck it) I've drank WAY too much. (oh s**t, I'm gonna pee on this random object that doesn't belong to me.) And really, what results have I seen?
I dunno. I don't feel much different than I did a few weeks ago. If anything I'm a little more jaded than before. Maybe jaded isn't the right word. One of my fave sayings has always been "The grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn't f**king matter because its still just goddamned grass". And maybe this has been an insight into how much that saying is completely true. Most of the people I see out night after night are just like me. They're searching for something. Maybe something that'll make them happy. Maybe something that'll make them complete. Maybe just something that'll make them forget their past for a few hours.
Maybe its time for bigger changes.
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1:20
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Heellllooooooo LIVEJOURNAL!!!!!
Does anyone actually read this anymore? I know I only pop on once or twice a week to see if anything is new. When did 5 paragraph long entries get replaced with 130 character facebook updates? I'm not sure if I like these turn of events, but I know that I am just as much to blame as anyone else.
I miss you LJ. I miss those days.
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1:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
OK. Ladies. Here is a request. Either A. say "hi, boy. I like you, and want to be in a relationship with you." or B. "Hey, I like how you make me feel in bed, and I just want to bang you." BECAUSE HONESTY IS F**KING IMPORTANT. Sorry about it.
Because that way when a random ex-stripper with great boobs wants to make out you'll be able to say "no, I have a lady, and she likes me." or "yes, let me see your great boobs". instead of being unable to make either choice. GODDAMNIT. F**K RELATIONSHIPS.
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3:08
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sometimes I get drunk and lonely and sign up for personals websites. I just got a message through one that said "ur profile made me laugh. what u like do?" Seriously?? SERIOUSLY? Is that a caveman? Looking for love via the internet by sending messages that say "what u like do?". God help us all, I will probably respond because I am just that lonely and desperate.
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3:14
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I'm over strip clubs.
Sure, there's a base, drunken, lonely desperate side of me that will always want to go to one. But once I get inside I'm always feeling the same way: bored. I know that these girls are there to make money. They don't want to give me a private dance to get to know me better. They know it's 20 bucks for 5 minutes of work.
I'm always really interested in the clientele. Who the f**k are these people? Why does that dude have a random patch of hair growing out of the side of his face? Who is that random single girl at the bar? Why do all of these dudes wear their hats backwards? I love that kind of s**t. Dissecting strangers in my brain. Breaking them up into social groups based on their dress and behaviors.
I also like knowing people that work at these places. I much prefer talking to the manager or the bouncer than I do watching some girl making her ass jiggle on stage for a few dollar bills. Maybe I'll learn something from them, which won't happen watching someones cheeks shake.
I've always felt awkward in strip clubs. Which might be weird considering all of the strippers and assorted club workers I've known in the last 12 years. I've held their hands as they got their nipples pierced, and picked out their best pic to advertise things, and sold their kids comics, and listened to stories of creepy pervos, and god knows what else. I should be acclimated and used to seeing naked girls dancing on a stage. But nope. Doesn't ever happen. Sure, I know they're naked for a reason, but I still feel like I'm a creep for looking at their giners, regardless of whether I'm throwing dollar bills at them or not. Maybe its because I'm not their target demographic. Sure, I might be lonely, desperate, and sad. But I know I can't buy my way into someones vagina.
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7:46
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
My mom wasn't able to breathe last night. It got to the point that even the oxygen machine she has to wear at night wasn't helping. So we call the paramedics, and they decide to take her in.
My mom is in getting an xray and being examined. I'm sitting in St. Charles' ER waiting room. The chair next to me has a copy of Good Housekeeping sitting on it, the cover has a bunch of gingerbread men. Someone has drawn penises on them in ballpoint pen. The television is playing South Park, where Cartman just sang "And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus." And I just got a text message about going to a strip club.
Am I hallucinating? Am I dreaming? The bottles of hand sanitizer and stacks of complimentary face masks that are stacked up on the table bring it back to reality.
Have I mentioned that the last month has been s**t? Well it has.
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2:52
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Jon and I go to see a friend bartending at a weird bar in the shilo inn. Meet a girl there. Talk to her. Things are going good. She's laughing. She says she likes my glasses and the way I'm dressed. Good signs, right?
So eventually we decide to leave, and I tell her we're taking off. She asks if she can come with me. Of course. Lets go!
We get in the car and she says "So, you guys are gay right?" Jon & me. No. We're not. We laugh, this is hilarious to me. HI-F**KING-LARIOUS.
We get the blackhorse. Get a drink. She says: "I'm gonna go pee. You're really not gay?"
Nope. I'm not gay.
"oh, ok. I'll be right back."
Aaaannnnnd she didn't come back. At all.
And she didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Instead I watched her drunkenly hit on at least 3 other dudes, before finally seeing her make out with an old man with a handlebar mustache.
Really? REALLY? You wanna get drunk and make out with a stranger? And its that guy? Really?
I'm not cuter than that? I'm not better than some old f**king wannabe biker dude?
I should have had taken Courtney up on her offer to beat her up.
F**k my life. Sara had the right idea.
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22:27
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Fed-Ex Sucks. They have NEVER been able to deliver a package promptly to my house. EVER. Every single time they either deliver to my neighbors, or call for directions, or reroute the package. I recently had two packages ship out on the same day from two different retailers. The fedex got delivered today, and it shipped from Nevada. The postal service package got delivered last week, and it shipped from F**KING JAPAN. Seriously fedex? My nerd s**t had to travel seven THOUSAND miles, AND had to get inspected by customs and they still delivered faster than it took you to deliver from a neighboring state. Suck it.
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0:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Customer asks for a supervisor today:
"I bought my cellphone 5 months ago, and now I dont like it. You should give me a new free one now because this one is old."
I tell her I can check on an upgrade, but it won't be free. Her exact response:
"WHAT? THAT IS HORSES**T! YOU ARE RAPING ME! YOUR CELLPHONE COMPANY IS RAPING ME."
Because new cellphones and rape go hand in hand.
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20:35
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
In 12 hours we're flying to Vegas. This means that in 11 hours the drinking will begin.
So I'd like to offer an early apology for any drunken, misspelled, accusatory, or offensive bulletins, blogs, comments, status updates, tweets, twitpics, text messages or picture message that may or may not occur over the next 3 days on any of the assorted social networking websites I am affiliated with.
haHAAA I am just kidding. I won't actually be sorry for anything I do.
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14:09
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
After an epic search, involving 3 months, 5 cities, 9 liquor stores, and 2 states, I've finally found a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka. And it pretty much tastes like HRD. Lame. But the bottle is AWESOME at least.
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12:51
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I'm gonna vent for a bit.
I DESPISE INDIAN SHIRTS. By this I mean native american s**t that is printed on t-shirts. Do you know what I mean?
You know those shirts that have wolves on them? Howling at the moon? Or an Indian spirit riding a horse with a dream-catcher in the background? Or just a dream-catcher? Or a spirit bear? Or a proud maiden surrounded by deer? Or an owl flying in front of the moon? Or anything with an eagle? Or a f**king indian spear with feathers on it? Or a goddamned buffalo skull?
Yeah, those. You know what I'm talking about, right?
THEY CAN SUCK MY BALLS.
They're not cool. They're not hip. They're not indie. They're not alt. They're not funny. They're not ironic. They're not post-ironic. They're not acceptable.
They're always worn by privileged white hipster kids trying to look cool by not looking cool. The norm of non-conforming. Way to be part of a terrible trend. I hope that you feel appropriately accepted by your hipster friends. Nothing is more awesome than looking like you have zero taste and live on an Indian reservation where other privleged white people sent your ancestors to live. Good job. Maybe you should add some shutter shades to your fashion ensemble.
They are tacky. And terrible. Let me restate: THEY. ARE. F**KING. TERRIBLE. And you should NOT wear them. 5 years from now when you're hopefully a real adult you'll look back on those clothes and want to travel back in time so you can slap yourself in the face, tear those clothes off, light them on f**king fire, and piss on the ashes.
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0:51
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Its always an eye opener when you admire someone from afar. You tend to invent little stories in your head about what they're like because of the cute hoodie they're wearing, or how snazzy their glasses are, or who they pal around with.
And then you get a chance to meet them and they're terrible. Not just lame. Not just irritating, but f**king terrible.
You'd think I'm old enough to know better than to judge a book by its cover, or a girl by her boobs.
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12:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Also!
The ipod story has another deeper meaning I'll spell out for those of you who didn't get it:
Just because you've made yourself pretty on the outside doesn't mean you're no longer full of s**t on the inside.
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12:04
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
My previous ipod was purchased "used". This meant that it came with about 40 gigs of music and videos added by the former owner. And that former owner liked hip hop. And big-titty-milf-porn.
I don't really like hip hop, or big-titty-milf-porn, so I never bothered really going through the music library on it. It had enough room to hold all of my music and good porn, along with his crap. So I simply backed everything up to my laptop, and trudged along.
Monday night last week I spilled water on it, and apparently Ipods are not water proof. It shut off, and wouldn't turn on again. In fact when I'd press a button it'd attempt to turn on, and then make a sad little noise that sounded like a dying kitten. When your ipod makes that noise it's time for a new one. Luckily Apple had a good deal on refurbed 160 gigs, and mine arrived last week. (side note, Apply ships crazy fast. Ordered at 1:07am tuesday, delivered at 1:40pm Thursday. They must know how rabid ipod owners are.) Getting the new one was an excuse to start going through my music library to clear up any duplicate songs and ensure that all the artists were under the same spelling and the like.
This was a huge realization to me, as I really never really understood just how S**TTY the previous owners tastes were. There's almost a gig worth of Insane Clown Posse songs. 12.3 f**king hours of ICP. No really. Twelve point three f**king hours. Of ICP.
Jesus effing christ. I feel dirty even having it on my computer.
But you know what? I cannot bring myself to delete it. I have a s**tton of room to add more good music. I don't need the space. It brings up a weird electronic packrat argument. Just because you have the room, do you really need to keep something that you'll never ever listen to? Being a physical packrat is one thing, because physical tangible things will pile up and pile up until you're the crazy hoarder with piles of urine soaked newspapers. But is being an electronic packrat better? Will the data eventually pile up until it's impossible to sift through?
I guess we'll find out in the years to come.
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0:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Reasons why I should move from Bend:
I will never wear flip flops.
I will never attend a pet parade.
I will never float the river.
I will never shred the gnar at bachelor.
I will never drink a pabst on the west side.
I will never own a cruiser bike.
I have never eaten at the taco stand.
I could give a f**k when the Jubleale becomes available each Christmas.
I dont get excited when s**tty local bands play at s**tty local bars.
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23:05
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
You know how sometimes you get kicked in the balls, and it causes so much pain that it makes your stomach hurt to the point you feel like you're going to vomit all over the place, and getting stabbed would actually be a relief?
I ate at Panda Express tonight, and that is exactly how my stomach feels right now.
So yeah, dont eat at Panda Express.
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21:00
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Important lesson: spending 14 hours doing nothing but drinking, walking to liquor stores, and gambling is fun. But adding food to the mix will help alleviate potential hangovers early on.
Oh yeah, I am hung-f**king-over. Breakfast consists of a single serving bag of cheezits left over from the airline, 3 aleve, 2 sinutab, 1 asprin, and a giant glass of water. I decide to hold off on additional food because we've decided to use my free buffet tickets tonight. AKA: gonna destroy the buffet later.
I start gambling and drop 160 bucks on Pai Gow and Craps in less than 45 minutes. I'm also not drinking. Coincidence? I put my name on a list for some no-limit texas.
I think I'm playing craps with a retard. That's rude of me. Mentally handicapped? Special? Whatever. He's eating a milkshake and throwing dice at the same time. He does both very, very slowly. Occasionally he spaces out and stares at the field endlessly until one of the casino staff says his name. An old woman just walked up and he turned and stared at her belly for 30 seconds. Her belly is where her tits are hanging because she is 80 and isn't wearing a bra. This is when the intercom announces my place at the no-limit poker table is available. Thank god.
I drop 40 at poker. I ponder if I should start drinking when Jon and Becki text me to say they're ready to buffet it up.
I've been reading a lot of Anthony Bourdain, and I try to ignore the horror stories he's written about poor food handling practices and grossness that you find at buffets. I try to ignore the fact that buffets are always at the bottom of the health departments clean lists. There are hand sanitizers everywhere, so its gotta be healthy!! Right?
Mmmmm terriyaki meatballs. I'm pretty sure that there is nowhere in Asia where terriyaki meatballs are an actual dish, but they are goddamned delicious.
Becki informs us over dinner that the ladies room not only has sanitary napkins, but Depends adult diapers available. I cannot decide if this is sad or awesome. Perhaps a little of both because I think about how adult diapers could increase the amount of time spent gambling instead of wandering the maze in search of a bathroom.
Why do people get so angry when they lose? Its called "gambling" & not "being given free money by strangers" for a reason. You're an adult. Having a hissy fit, cursing, and stomping your feet in public is embarrassing, you should stop before you get stabbed. Hunter S. Thompson said it best: "learn to enjoy losing".
I'm playing poker again, and its heads up between me and this black dude with a mohawk. Another black guy at the table starts cackling at us. "Oooh s**t! Its the bro-hawk versus the faux-hawk!" I think I might have just gotten served.
There's an asian guy playing who was pulling chips off the table and out of play. I'm not going to go into the reasoning of how this is unfair in a no limit game, but I will summarize by saying this: its f**ked and is akin to cheating. He gets caught and admits what he was doing, but is allowed to keep playing after he pulls the chips from his pocket. I'm a little shocked by this. At jons house he'd be shot at, stabbed, or possibly branded a cheater. Ha, I kid, I kid. No ones been branded yet.
Poker treats me well, and I manage to win back the 200 I'd hemmoraged earlier, plus an additional 50, so its time to retire. Also the terriyaki meatballs are asking to meet my old friend the toilet.
I just saw an 80 year old woman smoking a cigar. She then started coughing and spit something on the ground. ON THE GROUND. Despite the multitude of hand sanitizing machines I suspect this place is not very clean.
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3:22
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Its noon, I awaken and need food. The 24 hour restaurants in casinos are always a gamble. The key is to look at the surroundings and go from there. Do you see that the waitstaff, bussers, and cooks are all Hispanic? You would think that the pork carnitas would be a safe and delicious choice for a decent meal. And you would be wrong, as it was actually crap.
It's 12:15. Hello complimentary screwdriver.
Lately I've been on a hunt to find Crystal Head Vodka. Dan Akroyd endorses it and it comes inside a bottle shaped like a skull. Dan F**king Akroyd. You know that a ghostbuster drinks good vodka. Also Jon informs me that its filtered through "herkazoid diamonds". F**k yes. One of the bars has a bottle, and the night before a bartender informed us that they sell it at a local liquor store.
We step outside our casino and can see the liquor store. I'm not sure if its the desire to purchase vodka in a skull shaped bottle, or the vodka in my stomach, or the giant liquor store sign, but the store looks really close. Jon and I decide to walk there. Poor decision. Its like a mile away. And I'm fat and lazy. And they were sold out of the Crystal Skull. F**kballs. I need another drink, luckily there is another casino close that will give me a free one.
The bible in Jons room is awesome.
Exhibit A: the back two blank pages have a handwritten letter from a woman named Monica saying how she's leaving her husband Robert. It has "to the left, to the left" written in big letters with a lipstick kiss next to them, and it ends with "ps: dont kill yourself. pps: lose some weight. ppps: be nice to your friends". Classy
Exhibit B: the front of the bible has a picture of an crematory urn, and someone has written "your mom is in here" on it.
Poker here is easy money. Or I'm an amazing poker player. Or I'm drunk and overly confident and pushing people around. I'm up a hundo on a 2-5 no limit game after about an hour and 4 screwdrivers. I hate it when strangers know my name. But apparently thats common procedure here because all of the dealers know my name even though I've only told it to one person. F**k that s**t.
Meet up with Becki and Jon to start the heavy drinking. Jon waits in a giant line to try to win a Lexus. I know there's no way I'll win a new car, and I am fat and lazy and don't want to stand in line, also the elderly unattractive migrant cocktail waitresses won't give us free booze for standing in line, so Becki and I sit at a slot machine. I hate slot machines. That dingdingdingdingding noise makes me want to shoot things. But as much as I hate video poker and slot machines, I tend to get lucky with them. I get on a 15 minute streak where my slot machine essentially plays itself and continually dings up bonus plays and I watch it while praying that the waitress brings me the f**king drink so I can cash out and go find a craps table.
Come line. Six on the six. Hard 8. Niner giner. Craps is awesome. Professional casino staff will not care if you constantly bet on niner giners or occasionally slur your words a little. Good god where is that cocktail waitress?? Does she not know my cup is half empty and I require constant beverage intake to maintain my winning streak??
I have had a perfect moment: I'm winning money at craps, staring at a gorgeous Indian girl playing roulette across the pit, drinking a free screwdriver, and listening to an all girl band sing Journey covers.
I momentarily lose track of where we are. The neon and mirrors and screwdrivers and slot machine mazes and dingdingdingding and identical hand sanitizer machines make everything look and sound exactly the same. Thank god the poker chips have the casino name written on them because we've swtiched casinos and I don't remember riding the stinky buses anywhere.
We wander up some stairs and across a catwalk and down some stairs and past the smell of vomit to the Golden Nugget and see the 1st attractive cocktail waitresses of the entire trip. They're young! And cute! And have russian accents! Or maybe I'm hammered and horny. At any rate, they bring me drinks that are really strong compared to the last 4 casinos. Unfortunately its really bright inside. Its like they're trying to make it look classy or make me forget that its 2am.
Holy f**k, Its 2am, and I realize that I haven't eaten anything but ice since noon, and I haven't drank anything but orange juice and vodka. 14 hours of drinking, and I'm also up almost four hundred dollars. Coincidence?
Two dudes just offered their suite to us to stay in. You know what you should never do? Accept a free suite from two strange dudes in a casino at 3:00 in the morning. Unless you like having naked pictures of you being posted on the internet or being gang-banged by two strange dudes from Salt Lake City. No thank you good sirs.
Holy god, these pillows are huge.
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1:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Wendover NV. Yeah, I'd never heard of it either. It's a small town on the Utah/Nevada border. That has 5 casinos, and super cheap flights out of Redmond. Jon & Becki and I had been talking about taking one of these trips for awhile, and finally decided to do it as Loretta Lynn was playing one night.
I decided to blog events as they happened., and they're all gonna be snapshots because I decided to use my G1 to write down events as they were happening. I cleaned up most of the spelling or typing errors. Its hard to type while holding a drink and gambling at the same time.
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DAY ONE
We get to the Redmond airport, which is apparently under constant construction. Check in goes smoothly, as I've remembered to remove all of the bullets from my pockets, unlike the last trip to Nevada.
The departure area for our flight looks like a waiting room for an old folks home, or maybe the factory where they make soylent green. I see bedazzled pants, bedazzled shirts, bedazzled jackets, bedazzled purses, and bedazzled shoes. Big permed hair. Canes. Oxygen tanks. A mullet. Matching pantsuits. Sexy.
The walk to the plane is ridiculous. We walk 100 yards one way, then do a U turn and walk 200 yards the other way. Walking through the same ghettoass plywood corridor that was here the last time I flew in September. The average age on the flight is 76, and I'd be willing to bet that Becki is the youngest person on the plane, followed by me.
The stewardess just said "for any of you who BYOB, and I don't mean bikinis hee hee, please stow them for the duration of the flight." WHAT?? I could have brought booze with me? Where the f**k is that on the TSA website???
They play games on the flight. I win two free meals at the buffet. One of the games involves the passengers writing their seat number on a dollar and then putting it into a trashbag. The head steward collects the money and then says "you know why I love America? Because a black man can ask people to put money in a bag and they just do it! Haw haw haw". Later he tells a joke about a bank robber shooting people in the head.
The flight ends, and the airport is decorated with bombs and piles of dirt. Awesome. The waiting area has a no-touch machine that dispenses hand sanitizer. I am awed by its futuristic sanitary magic.
And now we're on a bus to take us to the hotel. It smells like pee and is filthy. So filthy I'm able to write "pee?" in the dirt that coats the floor.
News flash: apparently the pee smell was the old man with the eyepatch who was sitting in front of us, and who is now standing next to me in the elevator. I need a drink. Badly.
The Rainbow is surprisingly nice. I thought it would be ghetto, but the room is nice. The bed is comfy, the pillows are soft, and it has wall to wall mirrors so I can pick up a cougar and watch myself f**k her. Claaaasssy.
Our hotel welcome packets have things like coupons for a free drink, or 5 bucks off food, or 20% off the gift shop. It also has a little note reminding guests to keep extra medication on them for medical emergencies. Its obvious they cater to the elderly, and also obvious that they'd rather keep them on the casino floor instead of in their hotel rooms.
Jon and Beckis room is much the same except for the gigantic black in room jacuzzi. Oh, and the mirrors on their walls extend to cover a second wall and the ceiling above the jacuzzi. I'm hoping the stains on the ceiling mirror are water from the jacuzzi and not semen.
Luckily the hand sanitizer machines are everywhere.
We walk far too much for being on vacation. I want to be a fat lazy American and take shuttle buses between the casinos. Instead we walk a lot the first day between the casinos and the concert hall. There's a surprising amount of astroturf on the casino grounds.
We go to see Loretta Lynn and again are the youngest people there as the median age is now approximately 86. Again there are hand sanitizers everywhere in the concert hall. Also 8 dollar screwdrivers. Weak 8 dollar screwdrivers dispensed from a machine and served in a tiny plastic cup. Horsecrap.
Loretta Lynn was glorious. She might be like 96, but she put on a damn good show. Her dress was sparkly and awesome and probably inspired half the audience to bedazzle some more s**t. She should sell bedazzlers at her merch booth along with her autographed gospel cd's.
Also her granddaughter came on stage, and was wearing a dress that made it look like she had a dick she was tucking back. I thought I was crazy but Jon saw it too. Yeah, the moral is that we sometimes look at girls crotches. Sorry ladies.
Ed Hardy s**t is lame. I'm sorry, but I hate most of it. If you're wearing some Ed Hardy s**t with some bedazzles then you're probably a f**king douche. And if I ever wear any Ed Hardy s**t you have my permission to punch me in the groin. Obviously you see a lot of Ed Hardy s**t on dbags from Salt Lake City who are gambling in Wendover. And it makes me angry for some reason.
Oh no, I've progressed to angry drunk stage.
Side note: If you're 80 and wearing Ed Hardy s**t to a Loretta Lynn concert you're actually pretty cool. This is because you're trying so hard to be young that you progress past ridiculous and into so-ridiculous-youre-cool. Go, old man, go. I hope that sparkly Ed Hardy s**t hat gets you laid and that the viagra kicks in so you can actually perform.
*The next few entries from the rest of the night are pretty much garbled gibberish. I believe I might have been drunk at the time. They mention something about how much I hate slot machines, how the water here sucks, the showerhead is a lowflo crap design, and how I need to get laid.
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12:30
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I have a hard time finding people who'll go see movies with me. So I've learned to go alone, which for my shy ass is really hard to do. After a couple of years I've started to really enjoy it.
I love it when you go to a movie during the day, and it gets out right at twilight. Its nice to come out of a good movie into a sky that looks like it should be in one. That gorgeous blue color above, and the last fringes of crimson on the horizon that sillouhette the mountains in the background. The few clouds adding just enough to make the sky a little more interesting.
Sometimes I forget how pretty things can be.
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0:22
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Tonight I got asked to ordain someones wedding. That's always a huge honor.
5 minutes later the beautiful blushing bride-to-be barfed all over my leg and foot.
Gonna be a good summer.
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0:56
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
One of my weird packrat things of late is posters and prints. Show posters, limited run art prints, etc. I got this neat concert poster for The Swell Season. Its a shadow of a man superimposed over the moon, and the moon itself is printed in a glow in the dark ink.
I pop it in a cheap poster frame, and turn off all the lights. Well the gid ink wasn't very glowey, so I figured it just needed to be exposed to more light for awhile. So I propped it against a wall, above a lamp, and curled up to read for awhile.
I apparently passed out, because a couple of hours later I wake up to a burning smell.
At some point the poster had fallen over on the lamp, and the 100 watt bulb had heated up the frame enough to melt the plastic, which had them dripped down onto the bulb, and with no plastic to protect the print from the heat it then started to burn the print itself.
Now I have a cool print of a glow in the dark moon, with the shadow of a man superimposed over it, with a GIANT BURN MARK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. Oooh, and my room smells like plastic and burning.
Awesome!
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17:51
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I've been having crazy vivid detailed dreams lately.
Last night I had a dream I was in Powells bookstore in Portland. And I couldn't get out of it. There weren't any doors or windows, just endless bookshelves and stairs, and huge frieght elevators that were big enough to move an entire floor, which made it hard to keep balance so Id fall down from time to time. I kept running between floors, and getting hassled by the workers who wanted to know if I knew the dewey decimal system.
Eventually I met some woman who worked there, and she said that she would let me leave if she could give me a show. Then she lifted her skirt to show me her vajayjay, and I said "I'm a tactile learner" and started to stroke her. So this is where it gets weird, because I moved my finger down to penetrate her, but couldn't because there was something square and hard inside her that wouldn't let my finger in. Maybe it was a book?
Eventually she let me pass, and the door led to the parking garage. But then the parking garage was just three levels of parking and windows, with no actual exit. I decided to simply ram my car through the window of the parking garage to escape, and woke up after that part. Immediately I grabbed my phone to write this s**t down.
TYLENOL PM IS AWESOME.
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4:06
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sitting at Players. Enjoying a tasty beverage.
Suddenly this dude stumbles into the bar. Pushing a shopping cart. Not a full sized shopping cart, mind you. But one of those mini shopping carts, like you find in upscale grocery stores, or New York. He pushes it in and leaves it sitting in the middle of the bar, then stumbles up to the bar. He asks if he can buy a six pack, because Newport Market refused to sell him one. No? No sixers for sale at Players? "How about a double tequilla sunrise?"
What would you do?
Becki is wise, and realized it was best to serve this crazy f**k a drink rather than have him freak the f**k out. Because he did afterall have a shopping cart. And bitches can do some crazy s**t with a shopping cart.
So he takes his tequilla sunrise, ha, and sits down to play some video poker. Sometime later he gets up, goes back to his cart, and pushes it out of the bar and to wherever his final destination was. It gets to be closing time, and I help clean, and realize that theres a brown and white chunk of...something...sitting on the video poker machine. I get closer, and notice the box on the floor that indicates it is a giant chunk of fudge. Like a 3 inch by 4 inch chunk of fudge. With bite marks and chunks chewed out of it.
Because what food product goes good with a double tequilla sunrise? Thats right: FUDGE, BITCHES.
So I grab the wrapper and use it to pick up the fudge, and theres a string of....something....connecting the fudge chunk to the video poker machine. It was like he had been gumming the fudge and decided to put the wet end down on the table. You know when you sometimes throw up, and theres a streamer of saliva and vomit connecting your mouth to the toilet? Yeah, it was like that.
Go ahead and throw up in your mouth a little, its fine, I did too.
KEEP IT CLASSY BEND.
Oh yeah, also Goddamn Gallows played. And they put on an amazing show. The best show I've seen in Bend in perhaps the last year. And you weren't there. So suck it.
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0:37
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Today at work one of my reps told me she had a customer that wanted to talk to a supervisor. That's me! Why did he want to talk to a supervisor? Because he didn't want to talk to a woman. Why not?
"Because women are not as smart or capable as men."
No, I'm not joking.
He then proceeded to tell me how its a "proven, scientific fact that women are stupid." And wouldn't get off the subject until I told him I'd hang up unless he kept it professional and got to the matter at hand. He then couldn't remember his phone number correctly, and hung up on me.
That's right. COULD NOT REMEMBER HIS OWN F**KING PHONE NUMBER.
Who's smart and capable now, dicksauce?
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21:58
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I've been doing alot of thinking this week. I started out apologizing singly. But really I should just throw out a general apology to everyone, even those of you who deserve to be treated terribly. I wanted to take a moment to post a general apology.
So yeah, I'm sorry for doing any of the following:
Sending drunken messages.
Sending mean drunken messages.
Stalking you.
Avoiding you.
Completely ignoring you.
Talking s**t about you.
Not being honest with you.
Being too honest with you.
Not finishing projects I promised to finish.
Drove home drunk when I promised not to.
Throwing up in your street.
Making fun of your children.
Making fun of your children before they emerged from your or your significant others vagina.
I'm sure there are others, and if you feel you have a grievance you'd like to take up with me I will happily read it and add it to the list of things I feel bad about.
But in all honesty I'll probably continue to do those things, because I hate my life and feel the need to take it out on others at times. Sorry 'bout it.
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4:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
You know what I hate? When a band puts out a record.
Not a cd.
Not a download.
A record. On Vinyl. And they only release those songs on that f**king archaic format.
What the f**k people? Its not 1960. I dont have a hifi system. Nor am I a f**king elitist record snob who wants colored vinyl or picture discs or what-the-f**k-ever else those weird vinyl collecting bastards like.
I want something that I can put on my ipod with a minimum of hassle. Sorry if I'm not cool enough to have a record player.
You know what else I hate? When you spend months being irritated that the band only put out the record, and you finally find a copy of it that some Russian punk rock kid has transferred to mp3, and put online through some pirate website, and you download it, and get really excited to listen to the songs, and then you realize that the songs actually kind of suck ass and you've wasted the last 20 minutes of your life downloading, extracting, and listening to them. And then you decide to give them another shot, because maybe you're just being picky, and sure enough, they're still not very good and you've wasted another 5 minutes and 3 seconds listening to them a second time.
So thanks alot, bands that do this. You can suck it, and I will officially not buy your next album, but instead steal it off the internets.
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1:31
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So there's this banquet thing at work. Kind of a big deal. Only the top performers get to go. I'm one of them.
Earlier this week one of the managers comes into my pod and says "oh, and paul, its not an open bar this year. I hear you like to knock them back, so I just thought I'd warn you."
Ok, seriously, what the f**k?
This is not a friend that said that. She doesn't know me. Where's she get off saying something like that, at work no less. Even someone else who was there said that it was a bizarre & almost rude thing to say.
Part of me was seriously pissed and considering not going to the event. The other part of me was pissed and considering getting f**king hammered before the event even started to spite her. Part of me thinks it was a joke, and writes it off. Part of me appreciates the warning, so I can plan ahead and keep a cuddler in the car. Part of me says the snide comment doesn't matter, because I outperformed like 600 other people to get there. Part of me doesn't really give a s**t because I'm completely apathetic to just about everything lately.
That part won. It says "f**kitall, you get a free steak, might as well go."
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0:52
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
A friend was telling me I need to post more blogs. And I was like "I dont do anything lately, so I dont have any awesome stories." and they were like "peejer you always have awesome stories, think of something." and I was like "no seriously, I dont got s**tall, because I stopped drinking as much and lately I am sad." and they were like "what the f**k, dont be emo, write a f**king blog." and I was like "fine bitch, I will write about my balls"
And here it is:
So I'm a dude.
Sometimes I like to watch porno. It happens.
And awhile back I was thinking: "dang, all these dudes shave their balls, whats with that?"
And I kept thinking about it, because I secretly love cock and balls wanted to know was it because it felt good, or did it make their peepees look longer or what? Why? WHY GOD WHY?
And eventually I was like "dang, maybe I'll try that s**t out, maybe it rules?"
Unwilling to take an actual razor blade to my no-no zone, I started looking for other options. Wax is scary. Hair removal chemicals make me worry about possible mutations. I use a regular Norelco shaver on my face/neckbeards, and I've always been happy, so I bought this Norelco electric BG 2030 body shaver razor deal. (further referred to as "The BS") Reviews on the internet for it sounded good. And you can always trust things you read on the internet, so hey, why not?
I was actually pretty afraid to try it. Because A. its an electrical device that's designed to slice. and B. I was intending to apply it to my genitals. For a dude that's pretty scary stuff. I had all sorts of horrible thoughts floating through my head like "OMG WHAT IF I GETS RZAR BURNZ ONMY BALLSACS" Cuz f**king s**t, no one wants razor burns on their ballsack.
Because I am secretly a pussy I decided to shave the letter P out of my thigh. That worked, so I did a J on the other one. AWESOME.
With the thigh test out of the way it was time to get to the jewels. The razor is pretty nice because it comes with two different heads and some attachments that gives you a wide variety of options for hair length. You could do a basic trim if you want a little manscaping, or you can go shave completely smooth for the ever-popular prepubescent boy look. (I had to look that up to make sure I spelled prepubescent correctly. "PRE PUBE SCENT? that can't be right? that sounds like some sort of air freshener")
The results? I will spare you gentle readers with the process involved, but the final results rule. The answer to the question is that it feels great, and now I pretty much sit at home with my hand down my pants. FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS.
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18:03
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
"To err is human, to forgive, divine."
I've believed in this my entire life. I believe in giving everyone extra chances. Forgiving them for their past misdeeds in the hopes that they can become a better person, live a better life, be a better friend. Maybe I'm wrong.
How often do we listen to the little things that we want to hear, or believe the words that stoke our egos? Every day dear reader. Every single day. We like hearing those things, they're a huge part of what makes us forgive those who have hurt us. But maybe we need to listen instead to the truth that lies under the surface. Maybe we need to rethink our divinity.
How many lies are enough? What canceled appointment will be the last? How many broken promises is too many?
At what point do we go from Saint to Sucker?
And once we're there is it ever possible to tip the scales back and regain what we once had?
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12:03
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I found out yesterday that T-Mobile, in all of its infinite wisdom, has decided to send me to help at a center in Charleston, South Carolina. I leave Sunday, and will be gone for about a month.
Its a pretty big opportunity, and I'm excited and nervous. I don't know jacks--t about the state or the city or anything. If you know of anything cool to do or see in SC drop me a line. Also let me know if you wanna hang before I leave, otherwise I'll see you bitches in a month.
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23:29
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I went to Portland with Amanda last night, and for a change I didn't have to drive. This meant I could get hammered at will, and hammered I got. After the customary meal at Montage I was starting to sober up, and being chock full of old mac and mud pie, I decided to lay back and try to sleep for awhile because I never get to on road trips. I curled up with my hoodie as a pillow and started to doze off. This was awesome.
Until I bolted awake and screamed "OH S--T!!!!" like a complete crazy person. This scared the s--t out of Amanda, and after a few moments I realized that I was safe and sound in the car instead of back in the nightmare that woke me up.
What nightmare? Pandas. EVIL PANDAS. Trying to kill me and eat me. Seriously the scariest dream I've had in months and months. Those f--kers look all cuddly and cute and you wanna snuggle them, but no, they will eat your face off if they have the chance. And it is scary when they do. You will wake right up and scream like a bitch.
Ohhh night terrors. You can suck it. Its a good thing I'm single. Sleeping with me would bite.
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1:28
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Today at work I'm helping a woman try to fix her phone. We get to the end and I ask her to make a test call to ensure the phone is working correctly:
Lady: "I just need to go outside because I live in the country and dont get signal in my house."
Peej: "Ok, I live out in the..."
This is when I'm cut off by a scream.
Lady: "EEAAAAAGGHHHHAA!!!!!! BUGGGSS!!!! BUUUUGGSSS BUGS ARE COMING IN THE DOOR!!! BUGSBUGSBUGS EAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRHGHHAAAA!!!! BUUGGS OHYMYGODBUGSS ARE GETTING IN THE HOUSE!!! SOO MANY BIG BUGSS!! IVE GOTTA CLOSE THE DOOR! EAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!.............................." then silence.
Peej: "...um, everything ok?"
Lady: "Yes, just some bugs were getting inside. My phone works fine now, thanks."
Yeah, I love my job.
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18:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I went and saw a movie. No, not Batman. I'm gonna wait a couple of weeks for the pinkboys to clear out of the theaters for that. Instead I went to see Gonzo at the six. And you know what I learned while waiting in line? If you like milfs, Mature women, Old ladies, or Preteen girls then you should hang out at Mama Mia, because those are the only people who go to see it.
I haven't seen that many people at that theater since Episode 1 came out.
And you know who goes to see Gonzo? Me, two old hippies, and a solitary old lady who probably wandered into the wrong theater and was confused by the lack of Abba songs.
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2:06
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Ask me seven questions. Not just any seven questions though. No, to keep it interesting, use the seven questions as per below - just copy and paste the following, replace the blanks with something you want to know/ask (e.g., 3. Donkeys or sandcastles and why?), anything you want, personal, silly, surreal or deep, comment away and I'll answer honestly as I can! Then post this in your own LJ and see what kind of things people want to ask you!
1. What do you think of _____________?
2. When did you last ____________?
3. __________ or ___________ and why?
4. What did you ______________?
5. What's your favourite ______________?
6. How would you ______________?
7. Who would you most like to ________?
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18:17
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I get these random ideas in my head, and its generally impossible to get them out of my head until I go out and do them.
For some reason I decided that I MUST keep a beach towel in my car at all times. Incase I go to a beach. Or get it on in the woods. Or wash my car. Or need something to lay on while target shooting in the desert. You know, s--t like that. A big f--king towel is a pretty useful thing.
So today I go to Walmart and look for a beach towel. And you know what? It's hard to find a manly beach towel at Walmart. Maybe its hard to find a manly beach towel anywhere. Why do beach towels have to be tropical colors and have retarded stuff on them like Hannah Montanna or a puppy? Why aren't there badass MANTOWELS that have things like bloody chainsaws or hot bitches holding a machinegun? Do those exist? So I look around a little more and find a colorful towel of animals. Animals on a ship. Animals with eyepatches. Animals with hooks for hands. Yes, Pirate Animals. Pretty lame, BUT then I notice that one of the animals is a monkey. With an earring. Wearing a Bandana. Holding a knife. That is badass. Pirate Monkey will stab a bitch if they try to steal his booty. So I bought it.
And now that I'm back at home looking at my new pirate-monkey-with-a-knife-beach-towel I kinda think that maybe I should have l looked a little harder.
Also I pretty much never update LJ anymore because I'm lazy and would rather post it on myspace instead.
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1:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The inevitable valentines day blog.
I've decided to view Valentines Day this year in a new manner. For the last four years I've viewed it as a terribly depressing day in which im reminded that im single and lonely. But this year im gonna switch things up!
I've come to see the day as a closing of seasons. Its the end of the most depressing three months of the entire year and the last of the most depressing holidays ever concieved. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day. All traditional holidays that revolve around spending time with someone you love and purchasing needless gifts in the hopes of expressing your love or getting a hummer.
A time of year when sales of tacky gifts, almost dead flowers, and stuffed animals all rise to much higher levels. Rising right along with them are the suicide rates, liquor sales, and homicides.
Valentines is the last real depressing holiday until the next season begins in November. Seriously. Think about it, over the next few months theres really nothing romantic. Presidents day? Easter? 4th of July? No. Not really romantic, or maybe im just dead inside. At any rate, you never see advertisements for romantic 4th of july gifts.
"Want to have a real bang this Independence day? Give her the perfect gift: a 3 carot diamomd tennis bracelet! She'll love the way it sparkles in the moonlight as she gives you a handjob. The perfect gift for the perfect girl, and the perfect way to say 'lover, I want to come in your mouth after the firworks are over and we leave this bbq' "
The point is that for a few months we'll be free of the constant media reminders that we're alone. Look forward to it. Enjoy the spring. And really, being single isn't so bad. It all comes down to forgetting the lonely nights and cold beds and looking at the positives of single life.
Like for example you can do what you want, when you want, where you want. Yeah. That's pretty awesome. And you don't have to share things. And the bathroom only smells like your own poop. And our own poop doesn't stink. Right? RIGHT! Aaand um...theres more. Like If you pee the bed you can roll over to a dry spot and keep sleeping. Yeah. Theres lots of awesome things about being single.
So the next time one of your friends complain about their husbands, wives, fiances, f--kbuddies, boyfriends or girlfriends just do what I do: offer kind words, be their friend that listens and consoles, and think to yourself "I'm glad I don't have those problems with my girlfriends."
(oh, did I mention im dating two girls right now? I call them my left hand and and my right hand. I like them both, but I think me and ms. right have a chance for something long-term. Her name IS ms. right afterall. That's always a good sign.)
So yeah. Happy V-Day.
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2:49
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
And its true.
That blog.
We all sell ourselves in some way. Some shape. Some form. We sell our opinions. We sell our friends. We sell our image. We sell an image we think others desire. We sell our thoughts. We sell our emotions. We are all whores.
And we can admit it. And we can fight it. And we can claim that what we do makes a difference. And we can believe false truths. And yet we will all leave this place alone. Alone.
And if we are lucky, if we are blessed, then we will have lived our lives the way we feel best. We will have tried to be honest. If we are very, very, very lucky we may be remembered by those we loved and who maybe loved us at some point in time.
Or maybe not.
Tonight someone that I love so, so very much told me that they would try to make me happy but it would be pointless.
And maybe they're right.
Bedways is rightways.
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17:30
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
do you remember when we weren't all whores?
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1:52
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
At work they're all about us talking to our customers like they're our friends. Building a relationship, acting concerned, showing some empathy. In other words, stuff that I suck at.
Tonight I talked to a fellow from New England. While trying to build some rapport we got talking about vacations and I mentioned that I was planning on a taking a trip to Nevada next month. He got all excited about it:
"nevada you say?!" he exclaimed. Upon my confirmation that yes, I did say Nevada, he let out a long and wistful sigh and said "ahh I miss the whores of Nevada."
Mind you, he's almost 70 and has a super thick accent that makes him sound like Elmer Fudd with a lisp. Whores becomes hoo-ahs.
"excuse me?" I say, because I'm sure he's not serious. I must be horny and hearing things because he wouldn't say he misses prostitutes. Would he?
"HOOAHS!! You know. Ladies you pay money to spend the night with." Ok, he meant it. And he keeps going, telling me it's been ten years since he visited "them hooahs" and that he likes them better than "the ladies you gotta buy flowers for and all that hullabaloo, because that just takes too much time to get down to the business at hand." Then he insists that I check out them hooahs for him while I'm in Nevada and wisely instructs me to "shop around, because you get what you pay for".
Classy. And AWESOME. I hope I'm still that horny, dirty, open and actually still alive when I'm that old.
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1:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So tonight it was my best friend Jons bday. I took the night off from work and we went out.
We wind up at Coreys. Sitting at the bar. 3 screwdrivers into the night. And there's an old lady sitting next to me who keeps touching my leg and trying to talk.
This is how I know I am not super drunk. OR that desperate. I will admit it. I'm a desperate, lonely, horny man. See those blogs about internet dates. But when the lady who is sitting next to me that is pushing 60 and is balding and has terrible hair is hitting on me? Um. I will pass. Thank you.
So the night wears on, and some old dude starts hitting on her. And he's throwing insane oldman mack. If I was an old lady I'd have nailed him. But no, she's not having it. Instead he quits playing his game, and she turns to me, pats me on my leg and says. "I'm drunk. I'm going to stop drinking after this." and gestures to her drink. Then she lays this golden egg on me: "Can I get wild? I feel like getting wild. Can I get wild? Can I do down on you?"
Um.
No.
I couldn't even respond. I just turned back to my friends and put my hand up to indicate that I was not interested and was unable to formulate a coherent reply. I am sorry. I have the wonderful world of burningangel.com to go home and jerk off to. Thanks old lady. Maybe go buy some rogaine and ask me laters. Thanks. I immediately texted Becki, indicating we needed to leave. She replied with "Your GF is pretty". Thanks, spor.
Oh booze. You are a sonofabitch.
Also, do you know why I hate cellphones? Apart from the fact that they are my job and livelihood and I have to talk about them with people for 8 f--king hours a day? It is because it makes it way easy for me to drunkenly text, email, and in one instance call people. I am sorry 'bout it friends o'mine. I will start leaving that s--t in the xterra until i am sober.
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23:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I've been in a mood.
You know?
A MOOD.
Tonight I get a s--tty message on my phone that put me in the mood. So I do what I do when that mood strikes. I started driving while listening to loud angry music. I wound up, as has happened before, in Sisters.
Yeah. Sisters. New Years EVE! LETS GET A MUTHAF--KING QUARTERPOUNDER AT MCDONALDS AND GO CRAAAAAAAAAZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
So then I drove back to bend. Steph messaged me, and I realized that I'd seen everyone I care about in Bend this weekend except for her and Al, so I decided to go have a drink. They gave me a bottle of crater lake. I left it at their house, just in case.
Hmm. Is it bad that I have booze stashed at three houses? Um. Maybe.
I've also been thinking alot this weekend.
New Years Eve of '07 was awesome. Seriously so goddamned amazing. I keep thinking back on that night and everything and everyone there brought a smile to my face. It's one of the best nights I've ever had for some reason. Just the perfect mix of friends and booze and dancing and funny stuff.
And the rest of 2007 sucked so bad. Horrible. Simply Horrible. I cannot remember a year that was more depressing and heartbreaking. I thought about making a list, but don't feel like being that morose.
SO! I decided to spend New Years '08 alone. Maybe it will have the reverse effect and the rest of 2008 will be awesome. It certainly can't get any worse.
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23:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I've been in a mood.
You know?
A MOOD.
Tonight I get a s--tty message on my phone that put me in the mood. So I do what I do when that mood strikes. I started driving while listening to loud angry music. I wound up, as has happened before, in Sisters.
Yeah. Sisters. New Years EVE! LETS GET A MUTHAF--KING QUARTERPOUNDER AT MCDONALDS AND GO CRAAAAAAAAAZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
So then I drove back to bend. Steph messaged me, and I realized that I'd seen everyone I care about in Bend this weekend except for her and Al, so I decided to go have a drink. They gave me a bottle of crater lake. I left it at their house, just in case.
Hmm. Is it bad that I have booze stashed at three houses? Um. Maybe.
I've also been thinking alot this weekend.
New Years Eve of '07 was awesome. Seriously so goddamned amazing. I keep thinking back on that night and everything and everyone there brought a smile to my face. It's one of the best nights I've ever had for some reason. Just the perfect mix of friends and booze and dancing and funny stuff.
And the rest of 2007 sucked so bad. Horrible. Simply Horrible. I cannot remember a year that was more depressing and heartbreaking. I thought about making a list, but don't feel like being that morose.
SO! I decided to spend New Years '08 alone. Maybe it will have the reverse effect and the rest of 2008 will be awesome. It certainly can't get any worse.
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3:05
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I woke up this morning with a Christmas card envelope stuck to my face. On it I had scrawled the cryptic phrase "THERES BALLS INVOLVED". And I'm pretty sure it involves new years eve. More on this later.
New years eve is almost here. I have exactly a week to accomplish my new years resolution. Muthaf--ka.
Also. Just a note. If I get one more f--kin xmas card featuring a happy couple holding hands in a park, or hugging in a winter forest, or lounging on a beach, or riding a goddamn horse...well I will just freak out. Thanks for the constant reminders of the fact that i am a lonely bastard. You people know who you are.
I still love you guys, just don't be so cheesy. A horse, sara? For christs f--king sake.
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2:15
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sorry I haven't responded to some of your messages, either myspace or via text. I've been trying to get some focus back and that involves leaving my phone in my glovebox for days on end. Suck it.
So I like art. I like looking at art. I like galleries. I love art books. I'll happily sit and browse art books for hours.
But I HATE looking at art on the internet. Is that weird? I lose my focus when browsing artists websites for some reason. Even if it's someone I really like. Is it because of the other distractions? I could browse someones creative masterpieces OR I could watch a poo-eating video or shop for new t-shirts. Hmm. Tough call. I've always had this issue with online access. Even photos. I can't browse flickr for hours like some of you. I dunno. It's weird and sad. The internet can suck it at times.
Also, I bought an 80 gig "used" ipod. And I realized that the previous owner was most likely a stupid white kid from Bend. How can I tell? A. huge amounts of hip hop. What cheeseball white kid from bend doesn't have s--tloads of hiphop? Just me apparently. B. The only rock songs were things that cheesy white kids from bend would have, like Led Zeppelin and Evanexscnsee or however you spell their name. C. The only punk rock was all bands that have played in Bend, and the only songs on it were maybe one or two from each artist, so obviously white kid from Bend saw a flier for an upcoming show, downloaded some to check it out, and then decided to download even more 2pac remixes.
And D. The porno. Yes, its a video Ipod. And mixed in with the crappy rap videos is nothing but big-titty milf porn. His mom is probably a milf that lives up on the hill and he's got some mommy issues. Have you ever noticed that in big-titty milf porn the dude is always some cheesy guy with a goatee and a mustache? And he always yells things like "YEEHAWWW"? Man. What's with that? Maybe I'm just not exciting in bed, but I've never yelled yeehaw like I'm a cowboy riding a animal inside an arena. Sorry bout it ladies, if you like that, please let me know.
And yes, I deleted the rap videos, but kept the milf porn. You never know when you're gonna need it.
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1:47
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Alot of you have noticed that I've been down lately and you've asked whats wrong. And I've given basic answers, without really going into too much detail. I wasn't going to say anything about why I've been so down the last 2 months or so, because its maybe a little embarrassing. But f--kit, parts are entertaining and the screwdriver I'm finishin off in bed is makin' me feel honest tonight. So here's the secrets and here's some stories:
I've been dating. And dating sucks.
Upon realizing that the girl I'd fallen for was not going to fall for me I decided that I needed to break out of my circle of friends and co-workers and meet new people. I needed to try to find someone to care for that would also care for me as well. Because I am lonely and horny and sick of being a third wheel with all of my main friends. So what's that mean? Dating random strangers.
So hello internet personals!
Just like all of my stories start: "One night I got drunk" and signed up for a bunch of personal/classified websites. A couple of free ones, even a couple of pay ones. Now I said I'd never do anything like that, but screw it, I've got money to waste and I'm desperate to find someone. And if it worked out? Then it'd be worth it. Honestly, I got more interested messages than I was expecting. That's kind of an ego boost. And the results? I'm thinking of going back to jerking off. Lets take a look at the first six lucky ladies:
Specimen A: Nice, pretty, enjoys the same sort of music that I do. Contacted me because she recognized me from shows. Her profile said she was 19. She turned out to be 17. Barely 17. She said that she "didn't think I would mind her age because none of the other men she'd met online did." Whoa. I'll pass on the jailtime, thanks. Next.
Specimen B: 25. not so pretty, no sense of humor. Used the word "gook" and actually meant it as a racial slur. Seriously. "How does chinese food sound?" sez I. "I don't eat that gook food." sez her. Yikes. Next.
Specimen C: 23, looked 33. A hard 33. Smoked like a chimney, and guzzled pabst faster than Uncle Drinky. Her idea of a good place for a first date was Timbers. And not just any Timbers, noooo, she wants to go to the one in Redmond-f--king-Oregon. She neglected to tell me about her two children until the babysitter called her to tell her that her 8 year old had run away from the house and disappeared in the neighborhood. Yeah. Um, next.
Specimen D: 27. Far too attractive for me. Nice. Funny. But no real spark. Next.
Specimen E: 22. Called off our date because she decided that she wasn't actually going to divorce her husband because he was moving back from Montana because he sold his "hunting ranch". What the f--k? Also she didn't mention that she was married, and was looking for dudes to date online. No thank you, I'll pass on angry husbands that obviously have firearms. Next.
Specimen F: 26. Nice. Pretty. Has a sense of humor. She also has the crazy eyes. Do you know the crazy eyes? Like she'll have that same look in her eyes regardless of whether she's having an orgasm or disemboweling a Filipino hooker. But that's ok, I can handle the crazy eyes. We have a good time talking and wind up at her house to watch a movie, where I find out she has 9 dogs. No, really. Nine. Big dogs. Also she has cats. I'm not sure how many cats. I would say at least equal to the number of dogs. And what looks like an eel inside a gross tank. And a horse. And god only knows what else. Hello animal hoarder. So we sit down to watch a movie and two of her dogs start humping in front of the TV. In the house. 2 feet away from where I'm sitting. So. Wow. Now I'm horny. I love watching dogs f--k. I leave as quickly as possible. Thanks for the bestiality show. Also thanks for making me have to burn my hoodie because I can't get the fur its picked up from your couch off of it. Next.
And yeah, I f--king hate dating. But I also f--king hate being alone. What a conundrum. I'm divided on what to do. Part of me realizes the futility of dating women who are desperate enough to be on the same sort of websites that I am. It makes me want to take down the profiles and not even bother because its so depressing. And why shouldn't I be depressed? Even the f--king douchebags I know have wives and kids or girlfriends that adore them. And they're f--king douchebags that no one really likes at all. I can't even compete with their retarded asses. De-f--kin-pressing. The last time I was this down was the year after we closed the comic store, and that led me to quit talking to my friends and to start drinking again. I don't plan on doing that, mainly because I can't re-start drinking again. Maybe I can start a serious smack habit.
BUT at the same time I try to remain optimistic. Maybe I'll keep with it. Maybe I'll actually meet someone decent. OR maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, as I want to see how much crazy I can stomach.
And those of you who know my friends know that I can stomach alot of crazy. It makes for good stories.
Specimen G is this afternoon. Happy thoughts. Maybe I'll have more exciting tales from the wonderful world of internet dating soon.
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1:41
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So Bend Cable is making everyone upgrade to new fancy digital cable boxes. They installed ours yesterday on my birthday, but forgot to turn it back to basic digital. So helloooo cheesy softcore porno on the big tv.
Happy Birthday to me!
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17:32
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Things im thankfull for:
My job. Thanks for making me hate old people and foreigners. And especially thank you for giving me money to spend on other things like:
High Speed Internet. Thanks for giving me the magical ability to steal music and view:
Internet Pornography. Thanks for reminding me what vaginas look like. The last time I saw one was the result of drinking too much:
Alcohol. Thanks for unforgettable memories like touching people inappropriately and thowing up in the disgusting mens room of the D while out with:
My Friends. Thanks for putting up with my shenanigans and being ok with the drunken text messages I send on my phone that I got at:
My job.
Its a terrible f--king endless cycle isn't it?
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1:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So today at work I had a customer ask me to do something that I'm not allowed to do. I like making money, and would prefer to get fired for something more awesome, so I refused. He got upset and told me to f--k off and that he "HOPES I DIE ALONE."
Wow.
That's a pretty f--king harsh curse.
And it stuck with me all day long, and put me in a s--tty mood as well. I'm a terribly lonely person of late, and I worry about that sort of thing. It's one of the saddest things I can think of. You always see those people. At the store, buying catfood for their 30 cats. That sucks, and I don't wanna wind up there. Now I know I'm loved. I've got lots of friends and I'm a likable guy. But I still feel lonely all the time lately. So yeah. What a f--king jerk.
Also I talked to a guy whose last name was "DONG". No lie. Man, how great is that. I so wanted to bust out a "ooooh sexy girlfriiieeend" and see what he'd say. He probably hears Sixteen Candles quotes all the time though and would try to get me fired. Again, I like making money so I refrained from closing the call with "No more yanky my wanky."
You gotta take the bad with the good I suppose.
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2:21
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I work until 12:30am. That's late. Especially in Redmond F--king Oregon. The only things open are a 76 gas station, a Mcdonalds, the sweet, sweet Mexican food sensation that is Rigobertos, and now....the Super Duper Walmart or whatever it's called. I get off work tonight, I'm SUPER awake and finally feeling better for the first time in two weeks. I want to do something! But my phone is unable to send text messages that are actually received by the recipients, and most of my friends work normal human being hours, so I'm s--t out of luck when it comes to doing something sociable.
What do you do? Go to Wal-Mart, look at DVDs.
So I pull in, and it's a hotbed of activity. There's a large amount of cars for 12:45am. I pull in. Hide my valuables. Replace my security-badge with a knife, and proceed inside. I get three steps away from my car, and a woman in a van propositions me. Yes. Hooker in a van. Asking me if I want to get it on. Also she is in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Um, no, you are a hooker in a van in the walmart parking lot. I haven't gotten lucky in a long, long, long time, but even I am not that desperate. I also do not like the burning when I pee, so I will pass on that good time. Thank you.
I make it inside, and immediately start thinking of how to block the doors in case of a zombie invasion. It might be hard to do. Especially if the 600 pound dude in front of me with the receding hairline and the ponytail is trying to get in. Don't think I could stop that one. I pass a dude wheeling out a shopping cart filled with about 7 cases of Pabst and I think about following him to whatever high-school party is still raging at this hour. No, jail is bad, stick to the plan, look for DVDS. I notice that it's very bright. And clean. This is a good sign that it is new. After another month of white trash brats touching and pooping on everything it will be just as dirty as every other one I'm sure. I also notice there is a hair salon. In the Wal-Mart. Maybe that is why the hooker is there, she needs to save up for a sweet Wal-Perm. I will continue to get drunk and cut my own hair in my bathroom with a pair of sewing scissors.
I see alot of people from T-Mobile. An old lady on a rascal. And don't smell poop even once the entire time I'm there. That is a first for walmart. So yeah. Redmond F--king Oregon. Thanks for entertaining me for 45 mins.
I did find American Psycho for $5 though. Score.
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2:01
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I love dares.
Not really. I hate them. Someday I will tell the story about the girl who dared me to let her blow me.
But I digress....today someone was telling me that they like reading my blogs because I say offensive stuff and some of it is potentially embarrassing. I told them that I keep the really embarrassing stuff hidden. She dared me to put an embarrassing story up.
So I am. But not a recent embarrassing story, because that'd be awkward. It's an old one, but a good one and I don't think I've ever told it to anyone before. So feel special people on the internet! It's about: Jerking Off. Semen. And Jr High. Stop reading now.
I started jerking off when I was in JR High. Right before I entered the 7th grade to be exact. The first time was in the shower, while looking at a copy of the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog that I'd set on the toilet tank so I could view it from the shower-tub. No full nudity, but plenty of hot hollywood hooker lingerie action. And this continued for several months. Wake up. Take a shower. Jerk off. Eat some breakfast. Read some comic books. Go to school. Repeat. For some reason I didn't discover the joys of non-shower masturbation for a long time. Weird, no? Maybe that's why I have a secret shower-sex fetish. Hmm..
So one day I'm getting ready for school, do my duty, and with my hairless testes happily empty I head out for another exciting day of learning. While at school this pretty girl I was friends with (who shall remain nameless, this is my embarrassing story, not hers) asked me if I'd been painting. No? Why do you ask? She then pointed at white flaky stuff that was sitting on my leg and asked what it was.
You, dear reader, know what was on my leg, don't you?
I told her it was, in fact, paint, and spent the next 10 minutes rubbing it off. Get it. Rubbing it off? Man, I kill me.
So there you go. Enjoy. Dare fulfilled.
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2:46
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So the last couple of weeks have been pretty weird on my mental state. Super duper lows and super duper highs. SUPER DUPER. I would put it down, but it hurts me to even think about the lows, and the highs aren't fit for public view.
Then the last week has gotten weirder. Lets recap:
Mon-Weds: decided to take a break from the internet and texting on my cellphone. People piss their pants and get all cranky. Becki gives me the stern pointy finger and bobs her head back and forth and tells me that I'm being socially irresponsible by not refreshing myspace every 5 minutes. I whip out my phone and check it right there and then while at the D, just to make her happy. Turns out I didn't miss much, and I actually felt alot better after my break, so no regrets there. I would do it again, but I'm afraid people would have more fits.
Thursday: Annie calls me and asks if I'm still ordained. (Sidestory, I'm ordained. A reverend. Reverend Peej. If you have any sins you would like to confess I will hear them.) I say yes. She asks if I want to marry some friends of hers. I'm in a weird mood. I'm depressed and lonely and kinda sad. So I say yes. Why? Because if you're down, why not try to help some f--kers out on what should be one of the happiest days of their lives? Also it might give me funny stories and I like wearing a suit and tie.
Friday: I'm sick. Stuffy head. Achey bones. Throat hurts real bad. But it's cool because I have the day off because the Punknecks are in town and I'm gonna go see them play. Sweet! Then at 3:40 I get a call from my boss telling me that I don't actually have the whole day off, so I have to go into work for awhile. LAME. Oh well, it just gave me more of a reason to drink. Get to the horse, feel like s--t, have a fever, throat hurts. What to do? Have a drink. I have two screwdrivers and I am f--ked up. two. That's a bad sign. Then my best friend proposes to his girlfriend onstage. I'm still in a state of shock, and I admit I teared up a little when it happened.
Saturday: The Kitty-Que. Years ago we started joking how it would be funny to have a bbq, but cook a cougar. Then we would call it the kitty-que. And we would make sloppy joes out of the cougar and call them sloppy pussy sammiches. Who could resist eating some sloppy pussy?? Not me. And sat we finally did it. Granted we just had the backstrap of a cougar and some bear meat, but still. It was weird animal meat day. And it was rad. Cougar is like pork. And bear is like really tender steak. I would eat bear all the time. Serious. I also drink. WAY more than I should have. Especially considering how sick I still feel. I think i sang at one point when the punknecks played again in the living room. That's a good sign that I'm drunk. Good times though. Hatchet throwing. A band in the living room. Random meat and potato salad. An empty Cuddler. Seeing friends. Hugs from pretty ladies. And I wound up with an alligator drawn on my hand. Sweet.
Sunday: Woke up feeling absolutely s--tty. Headache. Throat hurts. Nauseous. Feverish. Coughing. But happier and more content than I have been in weeks. I really didn't realize how f--king sick I was at first because I was so happy. How's that for awesome? Spent ALL day in bed trying to make myself feel better. Didn't really help.
Monday: Worked. Felt like s--t.
Tuesday: Felt like s--t. Didn't work. Went to JC Penneys and bought a new tie. The girl at the counter asked if I was getting ready for prom. Yeah, 30 year old at prom. Hello creepy! No, I'm marrying some bitches later. And I did. Reverend Peej officially popped his marry cherry and signed off on his first wedding. I think I was way more nervous than the couple. Also I didn't know there were so many Jamaicans in Bend. Then Annie and I went to the Shanghai. It's always a good time at the Shanghai. And then Ams and I went to Deltaco, and then I came home and found 6 packages waiting in my mail.
I also got told I have nice hands tonight. This is code for "you have bitch hands".
So yeah, a weird weird weird couple of weeks. I hope it continues.
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2:58
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I'm bored and started going through old pictures on my harddrive and stumbled upon this little gem. Taken at SharisJakes a few years ago.
Lookit that hair. Long, stringy, gross, and that stupid red patch at the end on one side only. WHAT THE S--T WAS I SMOKING? Why the f--k didn't any of you guys tell me how douchey I looked with that stupid f--king hair? Ugh. Thanks, bitches.
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17:02
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I've been sitting at my computer for like 6 hours now attempting to be creative, and I am failing miserably.
I decide to drink me a Jeff Gordon energy drink to try to get energized, because at least if I'm not creative I'll be hyper and will just randomly move s--t around the screen until the pieces fit.
That failed. But I started staring at the can. It says:
THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, CURE, OR PREVENT ANY DISEASEOk? What?
Does anyone buy an energy drink and then assume it will make them better? "HALLELUJEAH!!! MY CHLAMYDIA DONE VANISHED! THANK YOU JEFF GORDONS 24 ENERGY DRINK FOR MAKING MY PEE NOT BURN SO BAD!!!"
What the f--k dude? I love me some fine print!
Speaking of fine print, the kitty que is coming up. Check it bitches:
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2:38
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
It's just 9 liters of Crater Cake, aka " the Cuddler Orgy", and a giant tv.
This is what I look at everyday when I wake up. booze. tv. posters. books. dvds. last nights hoodie flung over my dresser. and a can of pledge cuz it's dusty in mutha luvin central oregon.
I've had an amazingly hard time sleeping lately. I've been up past 6am every day this week. My brain isn't shutting off and the tightness in my chest isn't loosening. It sucks. Let me reiterate: it f--king sucks. I've been sick all week. And I can't tell whether it's been an actual sickness or just my mental state impacting my body.
Three day weekend. Starting 2 hours and 6 minutes ago. Lets see what it'll bring, hopefully a little serenity.
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12:11
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Last nights dream.
Driving around Bend with some friends. Couldn't see their faces. Suddenly we pull into what looks like a closed down restaurant with a forsale sign out front. The outside looks like a tacky mexican joint that's been remade into a tacky chinese joint that's been abandoned for 10 years. We go inside, and it's big and empty. There's one table in the corner with a small asian family eating, and a back door going to the kitchens thats being guarded by a trashy looking asian woman. But her left eye is missing and its been replaced by some sort of electronic device. Like she's a borg or something. She lets us through the kitchen doors and down some stairs, and in the basement there's a huge casino. More asians. Gambling. Food. And more guards with electronic eyes.
They comp us some chips and we start gambling, but it's all insane games like War and Egyptian Ratf--k. And there's screaming chinamen everywhere.
Right then someone sent me a text message and I woke up.
whats that s--t symbolize?
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1:01
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So heres a big thank you to my secret confidant.
Thank you for being my friend for these last 6 years. Thank you for listening to me complain constantly. Thank you for being happy for me when I'm happy. Thank you for being there to listen when I am very much NOT happy. Thank you for being my conscience. Thank you for telling me not to nail girls with STDs. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being optimistic. Thank you for talking me into doing things I dont want to do, but feel better about doing later. Thank you for the compliments. Thank you for being kind.
You're rad, I love you. You know who you are.
In other news:
I decided that my depression is lame, and I need to do something drastic to end it. So I decided to get a hooker. Then I was like whooooaaaabuuudddy. Why get a hooker? You can jerk off for free! Why not get a gigantic television? So yeah, I cashed some DMGM points (tmobilewhat?), and pulled some money out of my fun account and bought a giant 42inch flat panel widescreen hdtv.
Who needs girls when you have Battlestar Galactica on a screen that big?!?! It is like I am inside a viper shooting down cylons!!! AWESOME.
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20:03
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
"Dude, you should be more positive:"
People tell me this alot lately.
So here goes:
The other day I was discussing Superbad with a friend. And she was saying how she felt really bad because one of the dudes got spit on. Once in Highschool I got spit on as well. Now spitting is gross. People that know me know that I find it f--king horrible. And if anyone were to spit on me these days I would most likely lose control and be sent to jail when the dust cleared. But in school it was different. I think I was maybe a freshman. At my school there were tons of retarded kids. And people would make them do f--ked up stuff because A. it's funny. B. they're retarded and you can't punch them for it. C. they won't get in trouble because they're special.
So one day a group was getting this kid, who I will call Bob at the insistence of my legal team, to spit on people. So what happened? That's right, retarded Bob hocks a big 'ol loogie and spits on me. I can still picture it to this very day. And I couldn't do anything, he's retarded, right? You can't smash a retard against the heart shaped piece of lava rock that's inside Redmond High. But it always stuck with me, getting spit on. The horror. The horror...
So today I pull up to a stop light, and who do I see standing on the corner? Muthaf--kin Retard Bob. And he's babbling to himself, wearing a helmet, and gesturing wildly at traffic. And I had a positive thought:
I got spit on, but at least I'm not a retard.
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1:29
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Tonight I was hanging out with Amanda.
Originally we wanted to play Risk, but none of my friends have the testicular fortitude to bring it.
So we go see Superbad.
And it's like someone has taken parts of my life and made it into three different characters and then wrote a screenplay and was pitching it to different people and then a movie company was like F--K YEAH LETS MAKE THIS S--T and then they made it and put in on a big screen and I paid like eight bucks to go see it:
Dorky guy? CHECK
Dorky guy with a best friend whos dorky as well? CHECK
Dorky guy and his best friend who curse like f--king sailors? CHECK
Dorky guy being awkward around girls? CHECK
Dorky guy with a crush on a girl out of his league? CHECK
Dorky guy getting into adventures with his best friend? CHECK
Dorky guys best friend stealing booze from a party where no one knows them? CHECK
Dorky guy getting hammered? CHECK
Dorky guy hooking up with the girl whos way out of his league, but they're both hammered? CHECK
Dorky guy not having sex with the girl because he feels like it'd be bad because they're both drunk? CHECK
What the f--k man. Seriously. I have never felt that awkward in a movie before. Have I done everything on that list at least three times? CHECK
Oh yeah, it was funny. Don't get me wrong. But sonovabitch those dudes were in high school and I am f--king 30. AWESOME! Hello pj you giant f--king loser bitch.
I'm seriously finding the girl at work I think is really pretty and telling her that tomorrow. Or I'll just find her myspace page again and stalk her some more.
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20:28
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The internet is weird. You meet people that you become very close to, but you've never actually "met".
This phenomenon always bothers part of me for some reason. I always worry about that first meeting. Will they realize what a loser I am and hate me? Will I hate them? I can be kinda charming in letters or via text, but in person I tend to get all close lipped and quiet and shy.
So I was nervous as f--k this weekend because my dear friend Anna was in portland. I've known her for fricken years, but since she lives three time zones away the chance to hang out in person has been rather limited. But we finally did, and it was good. Damn good hug from a damn good friend.
Other than that? Coulda been better, coulda been worse. Didn't see everyone I was hoping to see. Spent more than I should have at Powells. Got lost. Killed a transient. Had some bfast with the Ann. Didn't get drunk. Saw two of my fave bands in some girls backyard. Got lost again. Had some Old Mac. Watched a crazy dude have an argument with a bicycle that was chained to a post. Overall? Not bad.
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23:38
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I got a weird call tonight. From an Ex. She was in town, and wanted to hang out. That is the polite terminology for it. She wanted booty. I know this for a fact because she told me, in descriptive detail. Holla!
She's also engaged.
Now. I'm a bad person. I will admit that. I've hooked up with an engaged girl in the past. (Later on I was a groomsman in her wedding.) And I didn't really feel bad about it. A little guilty maybe, but not bad. And I've had booty calls with this Ex in the past as well, on more than one occasion. And they were nice. It'd be so easy. None of my friends know her. None of her friends know me. Why not go for it? And really, to be honest: Post-breakup sex with an ex is usually rad. It's no strings. It's fun. And it's easy. You're already comfortable with the person. There's no nerves to get in the way. You can fall into their bed and have some fun and maybe cuddle after and reminisce. That's it. Sweet. It's a free ticket to a ride that I love.
And it's been a long time since I've hooked up with anyone. I'm getting a little desperate. So what do I do? Tell her I've already got plans that I can't break.
My plans? Laying in bed watching the Godfather part II and reading a little. I'm an idiot perhaps. This is the second time in as many months that I've had the giner offered to me and I've turned it down because it didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. Both with girls I was amazingly comfortable with. (Which is a big thing for me. There aren't alot of people I feel that way around.) What is up with that? Am I getting more morals in my old age? Am I just afraid I've forgotten how to ride the bike. I dunno. Someone needs to punch me in the gut.
And I've been insanely moody lately.
Did I grow a vagina? Am I pregnant? It's 2007, anything is possible.
I've been super moody and emotional lately. Seriously. Extreme ups and downs. Constant freaking out followed by periods of utter calm. An anti-drug commercial made me choke from laughter. 1min and 30 seconds worth of that sweet 16 show on mtv made me so angry that I wanted to punch a baby right in the face. The sad ending to an issue of Stray Bullets made me tear up. A f--king comic book. What the f--k is wrong with the peej?
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21:02
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sunburns can suck it.
So today I fell asleep outside. Got a little sunburned. You
can see in that picture how rockin my farmer tan is going to be. Also you can
see my O-Face in that picture. And yes, ladies, I am single.
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16:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
As much as I drink, I'm rarely hung over. I'm pretty sure this is because I limit myself to the drinks that I know will treat me good, and I tend to not get super out of control.
Also I think I burn through hangovers while I am unconscious and asleep. I always wake up and think "what the f--k happened here last night? did I have sex with a midget wrestling team?". I think this because my queen sized bed is a complete wreck. My normally decent and presentable sheets and quilt and blankets and pillows are nowhere to be seen. My hat is sitting upside down on the far side of the bed, inside it is my phone, a G27, a flashlight, and a sharpie. There's a pillow clutched between my legs, another on a bookshelf, and the rest are scattered to the floor. And to top things off: I've woken up naked, clutching a mass of blankets I've somehow rolled into a ball that might resemble a person if one was drunk enough.
But I feel fantastic. I'm up, drinkin a coke, feelin that caffeine, and a little while later I'm outside in the sun. Read a book. Chillin to my ipod. Cooking my flesh. Yay another weekend!
Also, I want to take a mini vacation. That means if you have a couch and want me to sleep on it at some point you should send me a message. And also I will not wake up naked clutching a blanket if I am not in my own bed, so don't worry.
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1:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So it turns out there's a new
Kanye West video. No big whoop.
But it has Zach Galifianakis in it.
So I'll watch it. It opens up with him holding a chainsaw with I heart turd
written on his face. Song sucks, but man, look at this image. If you are not
laughing then you are inhuman and I no longer have any desire to be your friend.
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16:14
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
so tired
Things I said this weekend and why:
"why are we stopped on the interstate?! There'd better be a wreck with a bus full of retards up there."
I get pissed when I am on a road where I can legally drive 70 miles per hour and i'm at a dead stop. Also seeing a wrecked bus full of handicapped kids would make for a crazy blog entry.
"jeff gordon needs intensity!"
Amanda bought this jeff gordon energy drink. It was tasty. I decided that since I wasn't going to get drunk (like every other show I've gone to in the last 2 years) I would instead drink this and get all energized. I should say that at this point I actually don't know what kind of energy drink it was. Only that it had jeff gordon on the side and a little blurb that starts out with "jeff gordon needs intensity..." and that if you say it in a crazy voice like a movie trailer its absolutely hillarious.
If, of course, you're all hopped up on energy drink and are kind of crazy to begin with.
"jeff gordon hurts my tummy."
Jeff gordon energy drink + energy beans + aleve + sinutab + long car drive = tummy ache.
"that winnie the pooh looks like its about to take it."
We stopped at the brooks truck stop to pee. And there was this stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll. And it was in this weird bent over pose: it was resting on its elbows with his head cupped in one hand, giving it an almost seductive look. Then his hindquarters were all reared up in the air. Super pornoesque. Face down ass up. It looked really dirty, like he was just waiting for some lonely trucker to buy him and make him a bitch.
There was a whole lot of talk about Muthaf--kin Jeff Gordon. Scissoring. Dike road. The bustache. The uni bus. Sweat. Oiled up midgets. More sweat.
And a goddamn tinfoil squirrel from Montage.
Also I wrote this on my phone while in the bathroom. And muthaf--kin Jeff gordon makes my urine crazy orange. Good night!
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1:49
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So far it's looking like 2007 is going to go down as the year of terrible decisions and constant regrets.
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1:49
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So today I get a text that says I should watch "You got served" because it was on TV. I watched part of it. I felt like putting on a track suit, some bling, a sideways hat, and serving bitches UP!!!
But I do not have any of those things.
So I wore the next best thing. My Achewood shirt that says "Everybody dance like there's Ass in your pants." I love this shirt. It makes me smile. I've been wearing it to work for the last year. And today, someone finally noticed that it says "ASS" and I was told it was innappropriate. My choices: Change into another shirt. Turn it inside out. Cover it up.
Thank god I carry 5 feet of flat packed black duct tape with me at all times.
Yes, really. I do. It's wound around an old members club card from a casino in Vegas. I can't remember which one. Why? Well, You never know when you'll need to fix something. Or cover up the word "ASS" on a t-shirt. Or bound and and gag someone. Or improvise a makeshift bandage using kleenex. Or pull out a sliver. You know, duct tape, it's handy.
And at least this tells me that the Kit-T-Ques Sloppy Pussy shirts are most definately NOT going to be workplace appropriate.
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0:39
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I am in a bad mood.
I don't even think that truly expresses it. I am in a s--tty mood. A terrible mood. A cranky mood. Just a general f--ked up mood. A mood so bad I feel a tightness in my chest and I want to freak out or cry or shoot a panda in the face. Fuuuucking s--t I am in a bad mood.
Happy 4th of July. I think I'm gonna go for a walk.
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1:46
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
hahahaha
Somethings crack me up far more than they should.
Becki loves sending me f--ked up craigslist ads. Especially ones with pictures that make me throw up in my mouth a little. Giant rigid cocks. Freaky hairy box. Trannies. This is highly amusing to me. Especially the one of the tranny from Lapine. The picture was of him bent over in a dress. Just far enough to see a little bit o'package. The funny part to me was the fact that you could see it was taken in his house or something, and there was a Lil Tykes kitchen playset in the background. Creepy. Funny. Golden.
Anyways the last time she sent me a link I started looking at the other hooker ads, and I stumbled upon a gem that said:
"corean babe - w4m - 23". And you know what? Anyone that misspells their own damn heritage cracks me up. Everytime I look at the word "corean" I giggle. Jesus. I need to get a life.
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18:51
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Yesterday I was sittin at the Blackhorse with Jon and Kim. (because pretty much all of my entries have to involve booze or bars nowadays)
Anyways:
He tells Kim that earlier in the day he had a run-in with a neighbor that wants to kill all of us apparently, and in trying to decide what to do he thought "What would (name withheld) do?" and "What would P.J. do?"
And I was the good, calm, reasonable answer. Word. Calm and reasonable, that is me. Many hours later we wind up at Darins, and as I was sobering up I decided it was a good time to drive home. As fast as I possibly could. While taking corners as fast as I could. While giggling like a little girl who just got a whole set of Breyer ponies. Calm and reasonable and a little drunk still.
This morning I get up at an ungodly hour so we could go bid on police cars. I decided to make the most of my day and do some spring cleaning because my room has been looking more and more like a crazy shut in hermit lives there. A crazy shut in hermit that loves sci-fi books, dvds, guns, gun accessories, empty vodka bottles, cds, pillows, and toys.
I then decided to take the creepy mannequin (see my
pics) out of the back of the Xterra. Because a couple of weeks ago I got all depressed and freaked out and was hellbent on going camping alone to clear my head. I drove out, found a spot, did some hiking, and then realized that the creepy mannequin was still in the back, where I was intending to sleep.
And let me tell you, I have slept in the same room as creepy mannequins in the past. And it's not helpful. All night I would wake up with the fear that it moved. That it was getting ready to kill me. Or sodomize me. And I am just not down with mannequin sodomy my friends. So I couldn't sleep and decided to just drive home.
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So when I went camping I had brought a bag of
Snyders Honey Mustard & Onion Nibblers. They are tasty good. Kaylin and Jake introduced me to them. And now I am addicted. I also bought one of those big ass jugs of water. With its own spigot. Neither of which I had bothered to tie down or secure.
So last nights speed-trials going down the winding hills and ziggyzaggy streets of Tumalo meant that the jug of water had fallen on the bag, bursting it, and spreading the honey mustardy goodness of the nibblers all over the back of the car. Then the jug proceeded to slide from side to side, grinding the chunks even further into the carpeting.
This caused an absolute torrent of profanity to spring from my lips. This stream of verbal filth caused the old man that lives next door to me to walk out of his motorhome, look at me, nod, and go back inside.
Calm and reasonable.
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1:01
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
This last weekend, man. Too much drinkin, too much thinkin, not enough eatin. I feel like s--t, and I know it's not from the drinkin, or lack of eatin. That only leaves the thinking. My brain is my worst enemy.
If you'd have told me on weds what would happen over the next 6 days I'd have said you should lay off the drugs. New phone. Offroad adventures. Talking to a dude on a quad about Godspeed in the middle of the woods. Getting stuck in snow. Going to a wet-shirt contest at the Black Horse. Listening to a terrible terrible cover of a Jimmy Eat World song. Getting a couple of scratches on my glasses that I've managed to keep perfect for 4 years. The Hickey. Being covered in dog hair. Then going back to the Blackhorse and drinking and eating for 8 hours for free. Working. Realizing the person I had a crush on doesn't like me, but someone unexpected might. Working for a day, drinking after, then waking up and going to a show and more of the same. Old friends. New ones. None of this was in the weather forcast.
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0:16
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
SOMETIMES LIFE IS TESTING YOU!!!!
The other day I went to Subway. My order came to $6.10 and I gave the dude a $20 bill. I take my change and food, pull out, and then realize that he's only given me $3.90 back. I'm missing $10, right? Simple, right?
Apparently not.
ME: Hey, I didn't get back the right amount of change.
DUDE: stares
ME: From my order, like a minute ago.
DUDE: Are you sure?
ME: Yup. I should have gotten back $13.90, but I only got back $3.90.
DUDE: So you should get back like $3 more?
ME: ....no, I should get back $10.
DUDE: Are you sure? (spends 3 minutes looking at his register tape)
ME: Yeah, it was $6.10, and I gave you a 20.
DUDE: OH! Ok, so you need like 5 bucks back.
ME: No, $10. It was 6.10, and I only got back $3.90. So it should be a $10.
DUDE: Oh, um, lemme get it out of the register.
He then hands me $13.90. Thirteen dollars and ninety cents. Maybe I am special because I quit taking math while I was a junior in highschool and am some sort of amazing math whiz. Or maybe he's retarded. So then the test comes into play. The moral dilema. The question: keep the extra or give it back? Bad P.J. said to keep it as an idiot tax. Good P.J. said to give it back because it'd be wrong and it'd mess up his till.
What would you do????
Also I am sorry I never update you anymore, livejournal. My life is not as exciting as it ought to be. And I post more on myspace because I am too lazy to go to more than one site.
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0:31
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I'm sitting at home and I'm bored as f--k. I start looking at google maps and see what looks like a road that leads through the woods between Tumalo reservoir and Skyliner road. Lets go see what it looks like and maybe find a place to camp this summer, eh?
So I head to Bend, run some errands and take off into the woods. Multiple mini hiking stops later I realize that I've been driving alot longer than I thought I would be. Through sun. Through rain. Through snow. I passed crews of mexicans picking up pinecones. I passed hobo camps. I passed probably 120 empty beer cans thrown on the side of the trail. My internal monologue: "Dude you just passed a nickel. Dude you just passed another nickel. Dude you just passed like a dime."
Eventually I hit pavement and realized that somehow I'd managed to drive to Sisters. Hmm. That's not what I intended. Did you know that Sisters has a Soba now? My internal monologue: "Gawsh, they gots one o them there fancy soba joints in sisters now? Whoooooweee! Lets git us some terriyaki son!"
What's the point of this? While driving through sisters I saw a totally hot girl, and then realized that she was actually about 50. So really the big realization of the day is that I need to get laid.
Bad.
Suck it cuatro de mayo.
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3:10
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So those of you who know me allready know that I like to have a drink or two on the weekends while I play poker.
Those of you who know me a little better know that I only drink screwdrivers.
Those of you who know me the best know that I prefer to only drink Crater Lake Vodka with my screwdrivers.
I'm a pretty frugal guy. Buying in bulk means that things are cheaper. Buying 6 pair of socks is cheaper than 1. Buying 1000 rounds of .223 is cheaper than buying 20. This also applies to Liquor. It's cheaper in the long run to buy the biggest bottle of booze. This means I buy the 1.75 liter (59 US ounce) bottles of Crater Lake. It's a big glass bottle.
I call it "The Cuddler".
Because it is large enough to cradle in your arms and cuddle with. Like it is a skinny girl. A skinny girl who happens to be made of cool glass and is filled with alcohol and never tells you that she thinks you're not the right person for her.
Anyways.
Generally I fill a small plastic bottle with my vodka, and it's enough to make me happy. Tonight I didn't have a chance to fill a small bottle so I brought a Cuddler to poker. I have a drink or three, and I get up to make my fourth pint of screwdriver. I get to the kitchen and the cuddler is MISSING.
Now, I know I'm THAT drunk. Seriously. It's pretty damn hard to misplace a giant glass bottle of vodka that cost me $38.00. This means that someone has stolen the Cuddler. My brain goes into overdrive. The mean part says "GO OUT TO OUR CAR AND BRING IN THE USP. YOU WILL GET IT BACK ASAP.", and the nice part says "LAUGH! YOU WILL FIND THE CUDDLER AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD." So I start laughing and immediately think about who just left poker. 4 people. 1 couple, and 2 singles. I know where 3 of them live AND I've gone shooting with them, so they can't be that stupid. That leaves one person! She just had a baby! Is it wrong to accuse a new mother of stealing The Cuddler?! What do I do!?! Freak out? Ask? Freak out?
Right then someone fessed up to hiding it from me.
And lo, all was right with the world.
ps: don't f--k with my Cuddler, or you will see a look on my face. And that look means "Should I pistol whip a muthaf--ka?"
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1:44
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So yeah, working in the cellular industry has taught me a few things:
Don't drop your expensive electronic device in water.
Write down a copy of important phone numbers.
Don't give someone irresponsible something that could cost you money.
Wait. No, I knew those things a long time ago, because I'm not a f--king retard.
If you don't know these things, then maybe you should rethink. Everything.
Also, if you happen to be an "escort", and you happen to keep all of your "contacts" in the phone, then maybe it'll be a good idea to keep a back up in case the phonebook is lost. OR maybe you should learn to suck dick a little better so your johns'll call you instead of you needing to call them.
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22:59
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
ATTENTION LIVEJOURNAL!!!!
How many of you read this?
How many of you read myspace instead?
How many of you don't give a rip about either?
And how are you all doing?
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7:19
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I will post something.
No drunk blog this weekend. How about an angry blog?
I realize that I have anger issues sometimes when driving. Not road rage, but something much much worse: Parking Lot Rage. It's terrible. You want to piss me off? Pull out in front of me in a parking lot. Or park like a jackass and take up two spots. Or stop in the middle of a road and block it. Peej will angry.
I did the weekend movie thing on friday, hit the Old Mill early afternoon with no problem. Then the movie gets out in the evening. On a friday. Kids are out of school. Old people are leaving the theaters. Douchebags are taking girls on dates. None of these people have any f--king decency when it comes to driving. It takes 5 minutes to get out of the theater parking lot. I get on the pseudo road in front of Red Robin and the car in front of me decides it's time to park.
In the road.
In front of a sign that says "No parking, do not block."
There's a car coming towards me, and I can't get around him. What do you do in a situation like this? I'll tell you what I do. I yell. As loud as possible:
"IT SAYS NO PARKING YOU ILLITERATE F--KING DOUCHEBAG!!!"
You can tell if you are yelling loudly enough if your windows are rolled up and the family going into Red Robin for clucks & fries all turn and look at you with something akin to horror on their faces.
Yeah, I am classy sometimes.
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2:24
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Last weekend I went to portland. Saw some bands. Saw some friends. Had some Old Mac. Pooped in a truck stop. Good times. I also had a revelation.
A revelation. About hipster girls. The revelation is: Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Really not much of a revelation or a new revelation. But it hit me and now I'm writing about it, and you're reading about it. So who's the fool?
Down here in the wilds of Bend there aren't too many cute hipster girls. And by "Hipster" I mean punkrock/indie/alt/whatever girls. You know what I mean. So when you do spot one it's exciting and fresh and unexpected. You see that girl and you are excited! Damn! A cute punk rock girl! Yay! However in a larger town like portland they're all over the place. And after you see the 15th one walking down Hawthorne it's no longer neat. The abnormal becomes normal. And therefore loses its charm. It's like why Suicidegirls is lame. Yeah, I said it: Suicidegirls is lame. I know there are legions of tatooed douchebags out there that think it's gods gift to porno, but I disagree. Because it's ALL the same type of girl. It's like going to thirty one flavors and all they have is different types of vanilla.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Time for bed.
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14:00
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I used to have a sweet Honda Civic. I beat the s--t out of it and drove it everywhere. Multiple trips over the mountains. Epic journeys to the San Diego Comic-con. More nights than I can count acting as a the sober guy and dropping people off at their assorted houses while hoping no one would puke in the back seat, front seat, or airvents. And the offroad action? Daaaamn, for a tiny hatchback I took it places that it should have never ever gone. The one memory that stands out is taking it through the woods west of Bend with Jon and Paul sitting on the hood, shooting at things we passed. Eventually I abused it once too many times and the engine crapped out on me. I sold it to some cheeseball wanting to turn it into a fast and furious-esqe car with a spoiler and proceeded to drive my moms honda while I saved up.
It's been 3 years, and I decided it was time to buy a new car. I've been looking at hondas of one form or another. Then I decided to finally admit that I am from Bend and started looking at Subarus. I wanted something with more room than your average trunk, so I had my eyes set on a Forester. Decent gas mileage, ok ground clearance, lots of room in back.
Last weekend I finally put my money where my mouth is and bought a 4wd Nissan Xterra. Huh? Yeah, I did a complete 180 and decided to completely forget the compact car with good mpg and get a truck based SUV with not so good mpg. Also I do not live on a westside of bend so why the f--k would I buy a Subaru? The Xterra is big, silver, and my penis already feels larger.
Anyways.
Getting a new car means you have to do certain things. Getting insurance. Transferring the title. Stocking up the first aid kit. And of course inspecting the car so you can find the best places to hide your guns, drugs, and porno. Looking under the drivers seat I find a visor CD holder that someone forgot to take out. Sweet! Free CD holder! And it's full of cd's. Sweet! Free CD's!! I got Phish, Now That's What I Call Music Vol1, American Idol season2, 2 different Eminem CD's, All Time Classic Lullabies, and Disney's Best of Silly Songs.....
Sweet! Free Shooting targets! No wonder they left them in the car.
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21:10
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
New Years was a blast. I can't really say why, maybe it was just the right combination of being completely hammered and seeing old and new friends all in one place. I started out early in the day, mixing my Nalgene o' Screwdriver up and freezing it into a sort of liquor slush. Why do this? Because ice cubes melt and cut the alcohol. Dur. Then it was off to Gambit for the closing party. Little kids, balloons, old people. None of which I'm a big fan of. I was ready to leave that one fast.
Then it was off to Jons for the masquerade ball. No more masquerade balls please. Masks are f--king sweaty and I didn't wear mine for long. It made me feel like I was wearing horse blinders or something. Having to focus only on what was directly ahead of me also made me feel like I was extra drunk. (Not that the 32 oz of screwdriver, champagne, and god knows how many jello shots helped.) Most of the night is a blur. Screwdrivers, color coded jello shots, champagne, dancing, porno, suprise guests, old friends, new friends, sobering up and going home at 5am, no kisses at midnight, no diseases caught, strangers falling over in wheelchairs, no drunk dials. At one point I think I demanded that the 5 Superfreaks in attendance all had to do a jello shot in honor of something. Maybe just being friends still. The only quote I can remember is "My mom won't leave the porno room."
All in all a damn good night.
Edit: Becky posted pictures in a slideshow deal:
clickyclickyclick
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2:47
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I go to see American Hardcore. I figure that it's still a holiday week, so the theater will probably have more people in it than I like. BUT it's a movie about hardcore music, so at least the people in the theater will probably be into the same sort of s--t. Maybe some punk rock kids. Who knows?
Guess who was at the movie??
Me? Right!!!
And an old dude. Probably 60ish. That was it. Opening day of the flick.
Guess who got up and left midway through the movie? Wasn't me. (Side note: I have a weird streak of luck with starting movies with other people and leaving them alone. American Hardcore, The Proposition, Factotum. S--t, maybe I have weird taste, anyhoo...)
So why weren't there more people there? Lack of interest? Obviously there are a bunch of shows coming up, so there HAVE to be people in this town who are into hardcore and punk and s--t. And there are always indie movies at the six, so there HAS to be people in this town who are into indie documentaries. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, and it's not just dumb luck that 90% of the time I'm one of only about 6 people in the theater at the most when I go to these flicks. Maybe there just aren't many people into these movies. Maybe everyone else had gone to see Rocky Balboa instead. Maybe everyone else should just f--k themselves.
Revelation of the night: EVERYONE I hang out with on a regular basis is in a relationship. That is f--king deeeepressing for my lame ass, as I can't remember the last time I was attracted to anyone any further than just wanting to see their boobies.
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1:33
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I'm not exactly Dr Pimp. Most of the time I'm pretty clueless when someone is hitting on me. But today at work I apparently sounded extra rico suave, because I had women hitting on me left and right.
Don't get me wrong, not actual women that I could look at and respond to and ask if they're down with the Shocker, but women on phones.
That being said, here are a few thing that you should know will turn me off:
-Lie about your age.
-Admit to lying about your age.
-Tell me you have 5 children.
-Try to talk me into opening your ex-husbands account so you could spy on him.
-Tell me that you have a hard time paying your bill because your SSI check hasn't arrived yet.
-Not know where Oregon is.
-Not know that Oregon is an actual state.
-Not understand what I mean by "west coast of the united states"
-Tell me that you're still married, but will probably get divorced soon.
-Smokers cough
-Notes on your account that warns me "Billing name is verbally abusive".
Yeah, baby, I aint down with ANY of those things.
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2:15
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Yesterday was apparently national special ed day for cell phones, because I got several calls from people that I am positive were retarded.
Nothing wrong with that, all gods chillun are special in someway or another.
BUT s--t, if I spend 15 minutes trying to figure out why your menu button isn't working, then you finally realize that you neglected to turn on your phone....well I need say no more.
So I get home and need some cheering up. What cheers me up? Searching the internet for hot porno. If that fails: searching the internet for weird Christmas songs. Then I stumble upon this blog:
http://claytoncounts.com/blog/
It's got a f--king brilliant batch of xmas tunes ranging from the classics like Fear's "F--k Christmas" and Senor Tonto's "Hooray for Santy Claus" to songs I've never heard but
now love like the Vandal's "Christmastime for my penis" to weird ass tracks from some band called ATM that's titled "If you play Grandma got run over by a reindeer one more time I am going to f--king kill you." (Which is sadly a lame song with a fantastic goddamned title.)
There's even a great short vocal story from Hunter S Thompson and a song from
the Star Wars Christmas Album. Sweet.
Anyways, epic collection of seasonal tracks aside, there are some other gems on the page, which brings us back to my original topic:
the handicapped.
Chris "Corky" Burke - "Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious"
Yeah, it's the retarded kid from Life Goes On. Singing a song. About food, and how it's both fun and serious. And there's a line about feeding dogfood to a baby.
Meeeeeerrrrrry Christmas.
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2:41
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
SO I sit down at poker last night, and the first hand starts. Jon's Ipod starts pumping out a tune:
"Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to f--k."
Techno beat. Those lyrics. I don't think there was anything else. Five minutes of that repeated.
"Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to f--k."
And guess what?
ALL GODDAMNED DAY I HEAR IT IN MY HEAD. AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY. 24 hours later I still hear it. Sweet jesus, make it stop.
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2:26
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Also for all you warcraft nerds:
I am only about 2000 combined points away from being revered with both AB and WSG, and I'm about 3/4 to 48. And if the patch that gets rid of the honor system goes into effect tonight before I can get my gear I will be highly irritated.
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2:05
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
ALSO: a note for rigobertos.
One of the reasons places like mcdonalds and burger king do so well is the standards they have. You know that you can go to pretty much any of their restaurants, and a whopper is a whopper is a whopper. You order it, and you know what you get.
On the other hand, the bend rigobertos...I order a chicken burrito almost everytime. And it is ALWAYS random what I will get. One time it will be chicken in a nice spicy sauce with some cheese and chiles. The next time it will be just all chicken, with some sort of spice. The next time it is chunks of unspiced chicken, lettuce and cheese.
I do not want to randomly guess how my burrito will turn out. FUUUCK dude, find a recipe and stick to it for gods sake.
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2:02
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
About an hour and a half ago I was finishing off my 7th screwdriver at Coreys.
About a half hour ago I drove my car off the road and spent 10 minutes trying to get it out of the snow. I'll blame it on the ABS brake system that I'm not used to.
Right now I'm eating a burrito and drinking my final drink of the night while waiting for WSG to que. Soon I'll pass out with any luck.
I did the sociable birthday thing, and it was lacking. LOVE the people that came out. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. But nothing is more pathetic than telling your hostess that you need seating for about 6-10, and only having 5 show up. That pathetic f--king line of untouched glasses and tablewear at the end of the table will most likely remain one of the most depressing images I've seen lately.
So yeah, I did the social thing. Guess what? I still came home alone, played some warcraft, and will fall asleep cuddling with a pillow. Happy birthday.
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2:52
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
There is a part of me that is in love with the idea of Black Friday. I want crazy deals. I want Seinfeld season 5 for $14.99. I want to reap the rewards of staying up all night and getting in line so I can be first inside the doors. I wanna look at other peoples carts and sneer at their finds. I want to revel in the glory that you feel when you save $10 on a breadmaker. I wanna punch a bitch in the face so I can get the last copy of Big Trouble in Little China on DVD for only $3. This is America! WE LOVE CRAZY DEALS!!!!!
There is another part of me that is appalled and disgusted and would like nothing better than to f--k with the crazy deal shopping fools who are out at 5:30 in the morning. I want to take things out of their cart while they are not looking and replace them with other things. I want that little old lady to be confused as to why she has boxes of Trojan Magnums, jars of Vaseline, and a turkey baster in her cart. I want to take a length of chain, and chain the axles two of the biggest trucks I can find to each other. I want to smash someones window, and leave a note that says "Sorry you will not save any money today because I smashed in your window. ps: pooped in your backseat. LOL." . This is America!! WE HAVE NO CLASS!!!
I am an angry elf. You know what I want for xmas? I WANT TO BE INSPIRED. I WANT TO BE WOWED. I WANT TO BE IMPRESSED. I want the things that I have not felt in a long time.
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23:33
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I get a call from my bank today, telling me that they think one of my credit cards has fraudulent activity on it. I hop online to check my account:
Charge from a gun store: Me.
Charge from the bar: Me.
Charge from a Tshirt site: Me.
Charge from gas station: Me.
Charge from Warcraft subscription: Me.
and sure enough there are two charges that I never authorized from:
THE AMERICAN RED CROSS!!
What?
I won't give them my blood so they take my money? I don't think so.
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17:52
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
There are a lot of attractive women in Bend.
And none of them go to see a 007 movie at noon.
You know who does go to see movies like that during the daylight?
MOVIE. TALKING. BITCHES!!!
"That's James Bond." No s--t? Really? They put the lead character on the poster and in the commercials? That's him? Thanks for announcing it to everyone around you, dips--t.
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2:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Also, I feel pretty good that my level 31 rogue has amassed 103 gold so far, not bad for having to switch servers three times.
Yeah, you non nerds are not impressed but I know a few of you wow nerds are down.
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2:34
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
WHAT TIME IS IT???!? It's time for the mandatory drunken post!!! WOOOOO!!!
Get home, and BSG is on. Good way to end a night. Alone, but still.
My imagination is too big. Sometimes I see someone and I imagine this whole world with that person. Case in point: at the rigobertos drive through: Girl in the car behind me. I'm drunk enough only to focus on the fact that she had cute hair and glasses. That's pretty much enough for me. In my head we have similar tastes. We go to shows and talk s--t about them. We cuddle while watching lame movies. We discuss the coming zombie apocalypse.
Then she hocks up a gigantic f--king wad of phlegm and spits it out her window and onto the wall. Big enough that I can see the green.
Thanks for ruining my fantasy.
Quote of the night: "Please take my jacket with the rainbow on it out of my car before you blow it up."
Thanks Becki!
Also, someone I don't know mentioned that they went to my myspace profile, AND said my username" PdotJdot".
Thats funny s--t right there. It's like being famous, without the perks.
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12:36
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I'm looking at the internet, and one of the random blogs I read has something about someone building The Shire.
In Bend..?
A quick google search provides
BendShire.com. Which is the development for the planned community.
Weird. Now you too can live in a pseudo-fantasy house, for only half a million f--king dollars and up. I can't decide if I think this is a rad idea, or completely lame. The more I look at the houses I think it's totally lame.
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3:23
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I go out at times and am confused at the world. I'm at the Grove, and there is a guy in plaid pants with white loafers, and he is dancing like an ass. He is doing better than I am. Dude is dancing so bad that he falls off the stage, landing on his ASS. Did this stop his chances of going home with someone, not a damn bit I'm sure. I am incredibly afraid of talking to people. And
I am incredibly single.
There are times I am so regretful to be so. I go to sleep lonely and sad because there is not someone next to me that I care about deeply. There is no one that I can laugh with or cry with or just experience life with.
BUT
Then there are times that I get to witness the bad things that come from a relationship. The fights, the worry, the fear, the insecurity, the jealosy, all of those things that are absolutely no fun at all.
Good with the bad, bad with the good. Do I regret being single? yes. Am I often happy I'm single? yes.
Am I going to regret this in about 12 hours? yes.
Is it rad that they make a bottle of crater lake bigger than a baby and I can cradle it in my arms? yes. I will sleep next to you giant bottle, and you will be there for me when I need you. Thanks.
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0:37
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
At work:
Guy calls in upset because his phone was turned off and he was charged $20 to restore his service. His phone was turned off because he didn't pay his bill. That's a bummer, but often things don't work if you don't pay for them.
So he wants me to remove the restoration fee. This isn't something I can do as per policy. Plus he's being a dick. (side-note: be nice to your providers, it helps)
At the end of the call I ask him if he has any other questions:
Him: "Yeah, is it good?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Him: "Is it good?"
Me: I don't understand your question.
Him: "DOES F--KING ME LIKE THAT FEEL GOOD?!"
I was silent for a few seconds, partially trying not to bust up laughing, and partially trying to come up with a response that wouldn't get me fired. All I could say was "I'm not able to answer that question, did you have any other questions about your bill I could help you out with?"
The answer, of course, is that it absolutely feels good. Duh. Thanks for helping me buy a case of .40, dick.
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19:42
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So who's going to AFI, and what time are you going down to the Schwabitorium?
Certain people think that it would be beneficial to show up at some ungodly hour of daylight. I know that there's a bunch of the AFI board kids coming from all over the place who plan on getting in line at like 6am and eating muffins and looking cool or something.
I however am old and need sleep and also I do not care enough about anything on the planet currently to stand in line that long unless they are handing out gold plated Kalishnikovs OR providing free screwdrivers to those line.
But, they are probably not. And if they are I will hear about it too late because Life likes to sit in a chair and laugh at me.
So yeah, what about you?
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1:45
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
At work:
Woman complains that she has alot of dropped calls. I'm trying to get to the bottom of the problem and ask whether she has dropped calls just at her house or all over. She responds with the following....
"I have dropped calls EVERYPLACE I go. My house, the liquor store, the hospital, and taco bell."
House. Liqour Store. Hospital. Taco Bell.
Someone is absolutely living the dream
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3:39
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sometimes I wonder why I even leave the house, when I am so depressed by the world I have to interact with when I do so.
Tonight I went out, was supposed to meet some friends, and walked into a room full of happy shiny people with significant others that I didn't know. Depressing. Then friends showed up, I had a good time, saw a rad movie, and went out a bit more. Herein is where the fun ends...we went to Jokers. It's located in the old elks lodge, and to get to it you have to walk across the rubble strewn gravel that used to be newport ave. I don't know about you, but anytime I have to get to a bar by walking over rubble I expect it to f--king rock!
Not so.
I paid my cover, and within about 5 seconds I was ready to leave again. Bend officially has a new meat market. I felt like I'd walked into a high school rave. This would be sweet if I was a little more of a baseball cap wearing, wifebeater rocking, rattail having, pink boy mainstream twentysomething white trash douchebag. Unfortunately I am not. And when I say those things I do not mean in the ironic cool sense. I mean in the lame sense. The only good thing about this place was the suckers at the poker tables, if I could deal with the idiots I bet I could make a ton of cash there. My patience for bulls--t is not what it once was however. So we left and wound up at Mcmenamins. Say what you will, it's expensive, the drinks are premeasured, etc, etc. Sure I could get f--ked up for less at the D or Players, but the screwdrivers are better, and I don't have to worry about some skinhead throwing a pintglass at my face.
I tend to think that my standards have gotten way low in the last year, but tonight made me realize that while they are low, they are not THAT low. Thank god.
I will never get laid again with this attitude, but whathef--kever, that is why god gave us the internet.
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21:05
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I went shooting with Simon today.
We head out east of bend, we do our thing, and we're packing up the gats, when I suddenly notice there's an old dude standing there with a mountainbike. 50ish, scraggly beard and hair.
The weird thing is I didn't notice him riding in. Probably because he was like a ninja and blended into the woods behind him due to his camo pants, and he'd spraypainted his bike and the CAR15 slung around his neck with camoflaged spraypaint.
Riding through the woods on a mt bike with a backpack and an assault rifle. Awesome.
I may not be that guy in twenty years, but I'm sure at least one or two of my friends will be.
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21:41
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I'm in the old mill district today. Do not ask why, that is not important.
Walking behind these two attractive and scantily clad girls, we pass an old man sitting on the bench. He STARES at them the whole way and as I pass him I hear him laughing the dirty old man laugh under his breath along with "oh yeah, that's good".
Perhaps the hardest I've laughed in weeks.
So tell me something that you've seen that made you laugh lately.
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2:51
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I came home tonight after seeing a bunch of people I haven't seen in awhile. The royal tennenbaums is on the television, and I'm eating a burrito, and all is right with the world.
I need to be more sociable, and I know it.
Apologies to those I never see.
Also, I asked a bunch of people if they were going to the himsa show tonight, like I was going to it.
Instead I played warcraft, waited until it got dark so I could go out and test fire my new surefire 618fa that I put on my 870, and got drunk at the D with old friends and new friends.
Suuuuckers.
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0:20
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So tonight at work we're in a meeting, and suddenly there's a sound of crashing thunder and all the lights go out. Seconds after that they come back on, along with the fire alarm. Which is not so much an alarm as a shrieking terrible noise that makes me want to punch a puppy in the face.
The fire alarm means we all have to leave the building just incase it is actually on fire, because they don't want the bad publicity of having their reps burn alive. This is a pretty good policy, except that: A. there were no lights in the parking lot, B. it's POURING down f--king rain, C. We have to walk 200 yards in the rain to our meeting point, and D. it's a thunderstorm so we might just get electrocuted instead of burned alive.
Of course nothing is on fire, it's just a short in the electrical system that's happened before, so we all got really wet and I had to keep myself from staring at anyones wet boobies.
So yeah, awesome.
(PS, people I work with, I was not looking at your boobies.)
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22:30
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
And that drug is called World of muthaf--kin Warcraft.
Today I had BIG plans. I had a whole list of errands that I wrote out on a yellow postit note. What did I do instead?
I ate a fried chicken breast and I played Warcraft for 8 hours straight.
F--kin A! You are goddamned right I did that s--t up!!!!!
ohman I am lame.
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23:54
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Today at work I got a call from someone who had a 5800.00 bill. That's FiftyEightHundredf--kingDollars. AND they had over 6000.00 in unbilled usage so far.
11,000 dollars in usage since they bought the phone on 5/16/06.
They bought the phone so their son could take it to iraq, and "they did not know it would be so expensive". Huh? It's not like he's travelling to another state. It's IRAQ. It's a gazillion miles away!!! We shoot people there!!! Of course it'll be insanely expensive.
omgeezpeoples
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11:34
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The Road Warrior is on television right now. And it's playing on THE HISTORY CHANNEL?!
I didn't know it was a historical document. Maybe I should have finished college.
I need a change.
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0:02
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I have taken one more step towards to dork side.
Suckered in by a free trial that I saw advertised on Myspace, I downloaded and started playing World of Warcraft.
godhelpme
So yeah, does anyone else play and want to get a little nerd on?
In other news: Tiger Army was neat. Re-entry for 21+ at the domino room is way neater. I'm happy being a hermit. I like shooting guns. Animal Cruelty is wack. And the movie "Old boy" is awesome. That is all.
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1:17
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Tonight I've been putting ammo on stripper clips. 90 clips=900 rds. And it hit me. Perhaps I have hoarding issues.I have 19 loaded AR mags. 6 10 rd USP mags. 4 13rd USP mags. 1 16rd USP mag. I have 1700+ rds of assorted ammo. I have 20 zombie movies on dvd. 430+ books. God only knows how many graphic novels. I have a ton of toys. I am totally going to be one of those old people who live in a labrynth of crap until one day a pile of veritech fighters falls on me and crushes me to death.
But at least I've got cooler crap than that dude in utah with 70'000 empty cans of coors light.
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2:43
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Cinco De f--king Mayo!!! Wooo, I got ten kinds of crazy!!! I woke up and drove to Portland!!! Then I went to an
art gallery! And then this
dude drew me some sketches and signed some stuff!!!
Look, it says PJ on that sketch of a Fireball SG!
Then I went to Powells books!! And I bought me some books!!! Woooo!!! Then I drove back to Bend!!!
CINCO DE MAYO 2006!! ROCK AND ROLL!!!!
Yeah, I live a crazy life and you are all very very jealous.
Pictured above is Kow Yokoyama. Japanese designer, and the man. Most famous for his SF3D/Maschinen Krieger line. Models, books, toys, games. Goood stuff and I love his designs. So when I found out that Just Be Toys/Compound gallery was having a reception I immediately decided it was time to drive to Portland to have some things signed. Imagine my suprise when he graciously offered to draw a quick sketch for me in one of my books and on the poster released for the show. Amazing.
Apologies to those of you I didn't call while I was in town. Next time, I swear!
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12:39
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I've been looking over my websites stats, and one of the reports shows whenever someone hotlinks to an image I have stored. And apparently the main geekass logo is very popular as there are not one, not two, but 16 assorted myspace/xanga/etc pages that have it hotlinked on their page in one form or another.
This is weird, because on the one hand I'm flattered that they like it (especially because I'm not happy with how it turned out), but on the other hand it irks me that they're stealing my bandwidth and have no links back to me to help.
So do I leave it up, in the spirit of openness and freedom? Or do I replace with a picture of a gaping asshole?
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0:18
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
They had a documentary about Bukowski at Target.
Weird.
Also, they now make Lego Mecha sets that you can buy. Motherf--k, where was that s--t when I was a kid?
Also, as comic movies go, History of Violence was good, but a little too different from the comic.
Also, nothing else is new and I could use some f--king excitement.
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0:44
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
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13:31
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Nearly every day I go to work I pass by an old guy who lives up the street from me. He's usually walking to or from the bank of mailboxes down the street, and every time I pass we smile and wave. Or I smile and wave, and he smiles and flashes me the V for Victory sign. Or maybe it's a peace sign, but in my world I like WWII and he is old and not a hippy so I say it's V for Victory.
That's it, end of story.
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0:46
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
holy vagina, batman.
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11:45
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I make poor choices sometimes.
Yesterday I had the chance to go to not one but three different shows that interested me. Instead I chose to help tear down a projection screen at the expo center. What was happening at the Expo Center?
It involved sweaty half-naked men rolling around on a padded floor. Wrapping their legs around each other. Struggling to be on top. The crowd screaming "POUND HIS ASS!", and afterwards I heard one of the half-naked men say "He can swivel his hips like no other man." about his opponent. The Desert Brawl was perhaps the gayest thing I've ever witnessed that didn't involve penetration.
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13:07
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The first words I uttered today were "Oh no, it's awful bright outside." as I looked at blinds. Sure enough, it'd snowed, ruining my plans for outdoors enjoyment. F--k you Snow, you are not my homey.
When did Myspace take over the world. And why do ugly girls take pictures at funny angles from the top of their head? Not the top of their head, but about 45 degrees up. And always 45 degrees over. WE ARE ON TO YOU!!!
Why do the people at Sportsmans Warehouse talk to me like I am slow in the head and know nothing about guns or flashlights. Is it because I have a Blood Brothers sweatshirt on? Is it because I do not smell like Miller or tobacco?
Pleghm, gross.
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0:18
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
"Spread your legs so I can kick you in the cornhole."
Ahh, yes, what better quote to sum up an evening spent at the 800 Octane/Thirty3 show in Madras. Kids with Juggalo makeup making out with each other. Really. I need say no more.
I haven't wanted a drink so bad since...well, since the last show I went to in Madras.
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17:02
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I just won a pair of Lift Tickets to Mt Bachelor.
I obviously don't ski or snowboard or do anything snow related, so if you want them you should message me and make an offer. Also I do not know what they are worth.
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12:14
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I like to read. It's a terrible habit. If you've ever been to a restaurant with me you know I compulsively have to read everything sitting on the table.
So I'm making a salad earlier, and I started to read the bottle. "Newmans Own Family Recipe Italian" dressing. The back of the bottle tells this story about how the dressing came to be. Two clans, the "Gelato" and the "Viagrani" are arguing over who has the best dressing. And I quote: "After 10 years of intermittent salad-tossing and some cross-dressing, Cardinal Newmanelli the Just brought the warring factions to the table blah blah blah" the rest isn't important. What is important? SALAD-TOSSING and CROSS-DRESSING.
It sounded exactly like a porno I was watching the other day. Someone at that company has a wicked awesome sense of humor.
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12:36
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
!!!!EXCITING NEWS!!!!
I just won a copy of the Magnum P.I. Season 3 dvd box set from Moviesonline.ca!!
Awesome!
That's about it, I don't get out much. I'm switching shifts so I'll have Friday and Saturday off though. That'll help things.
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13:17
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Giant Microbes makes plush versions of microbes. Everything from the common cold to HIV. They're cute, and now it's ok to give someone the
Clap.
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14:35
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
In other news: There is no other news. I'm a hermit. I quit shaving. Except for the part around my neck and my balls. I did cut my hair though. And f--ked it up in the back. Hot. If I haven't read or commented in your journal in awhile I apologize. We'll catch up soon.
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14:24
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
I finally got my first pervert on the phone at work. Most of the time they hang up if they get a male rep. This perv must like the fellas. (and apparently i sound gay on the phone, as I was recently told by a female customer. Greaat, no wonder I never get laid.)
This guy calls in, and stated that he needed help with his album. (My Album is a feature that allows you to send a picture you've taken with your cellphone to a holding area online where other people can look at them. ok? good.)
He stated that he "accidentally" sent it there and couldn't erase it, so he wanted me to access his account and erase it for him. We're not allowed to do this, because god only knows what we'd see. I tell him this, and he says "But I really need you to do this, because I'm blind." And for a second I was like, ok, he's blind, lets see how I can help his poor handicapped ass. So I get his info, and then it hits me: if he's really blind then how the f--k is he taking a picture and sending it to My Album? Right then the special instructions for his account pop up and they clearly stated "Do NOT enter my album, cust puts nude pictures in and then calls for us to delete them." So I again explain to him that I cannot do this, we go around a few times and he lays on these stories about (no lie) how his computer was stolen, and his family just died, and the people at the library make fun of him, and how he's blind.
Yeah, I bet. You're blind from jerkin' it.
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22:55
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Yeah, so I had to work till one am on new years eve.
And let me tell you this, if you call your cell phone company at 12:07 on new f--king years eve to complain about a .15 cent text messaging charge on your bill you should probably just kill yourself because you are a bitter and lonely individual.
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2:40
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Last night I had a dream where I got into a fight with someone. I said to them:
"I'm gonna beat you so hard that your puppy cries."
What the f--k does that mean?
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20:18
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So last night midnight hits and they give me a balloon attached to a candy bar at work. One of the first calls after that was with a woman who wanted a $200 credit because we turned off her phone. Why? Because she hasn't been paying her bill, she had overage, was told she had overage by a rep, and was sent out two bills listing the overage. But "she'd looked online and it said she owed less, so that's what she paid". Sooo, if two other people tell me that it's illegal to f--k a corpse, but I read that it's legal on the internet, then should I start digging up bodies? Naturally this was not the analogy that I used to describe the situation to her, but you understand.
Anyways, I said no, pay your bill and we can turn your phone on. And she started crying. Ten minutes into a new year and I'm already making people cry.
Yeah, 29 is gonna be way better than 28.
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14:46
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
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2:05
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I went to the gun show yesterday and one of the dealers had a 1000 round bulk pack case of .223 on sale at a decent price. So I bought one. 28 pounds of ammo. I get home at 3 in the morning after work and a drink at some friends and I'm carrying the box to the front door. That is when the bottom of the box decided it would tear out, dumping the entire contents on the ground.
So I bring you the the latest addition to my list of things that suck:
Picking up 1000 rounds of ammo off the ground. In the rain. At 3am. In 40 degree weather.
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1:32
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
the bold: Reply to this entry by posting a picture of yourself in the comments, then post this sentence in your own journal.
Also the servers that used to store my backgrounds and junk are byebye. So until I have a few extra mins to update stuff the journal will look crappy.
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12:31
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
News news news.
After being unable to secure a venue in Bend, 800 Octane got a chance to play in Madras. I thought it'd be neat to see them so I drove to Madras. While waiting at a stoplight in front of the texaco before the show I saw a woman walking a horse through the middle of town. I should have known this would not bode well for the evening.
I showed up an hour late, and was informed that only one of the bands had showed up so far. Awesome. Also I was the oldest person there by at least 10 years, more Awesome. The first band started and they were like an instrumental Tool wannabe. They played for I think maybe it was forever. That is too long. Right around this time Stephanie showed up, and being drunks we decided to go get a drink or three. Where do you go for booze in Madras? THE MEET MARKET! For a couple of years I've seen this sign on a pub, and always wanted to check it out. Turns out it wasn't too bad. Three levels, pool tables, and a dance floor in the basement with karoke and a fog machine. Also they had all you can eat crawfish night. Madras does know how to party.
All in all the show kinda sucked it. Way too loud to begin with, I'd also lost one of my earplugs, so I left with a ringing in my ear. The bands might have all been great, but it was so loud that I really couldn't tell. The great thing about shows in Madras is that it's easy to tell that the girls are 16. Sometimes in Bend or Portland I can't really tell. They'll look older, but they might be 12. At this show I was immediately able to tell that yes, these girls are illegal.
On halloween I didn't do jack. Hung out with Stephanie, played some pool, had some booze. We wound up at Cascade West at one point, and the bar has a stool with a roll-cage. No lie! An actual bar stool with a roll cage. It's possibly the best chair ever, and never have I wanted to drink so much that I'd fall over in my chair more than then. It's a good thing they only served beer.
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2:03
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
In other news: I went to a show tonight, and had an absolute blast. Good bands, good friends, good times. The only negatives were that the bar did not have real booze and that it only reaffirmed the fact that I an a dirty old man inside. That and the fact that me being a hermit is, in fact, kind of lame. For that I apologize. If I haven't seen you in months and months before tonight, well, s--t, I'm sorry.
And to the high school girl who offered to show me her boobies: keep me in mind in three years.
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1:56
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Lately I've been updating my range bag, and it occurred to me that I really need to put some first-aid items in there, on the off chance that I get shot or something. While perusing the selection of gauze and medical tape at the store, this really, really, really ugly couple start down the same aisle and start arguing about something behind me.
"I don't care what kind you get! I don't want to do it anyways!" "I'm going to get the big size." "Why? We'll never use it all!" blah blah blah blah.
I glance behind me and realize that they're looking at lube. And by lube I do not mean motor oil.
I'm by no means a person of high moral standards, but this made me kind of uneasy.
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2:01
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Christ, I love gambling.
Actually I love it when I win and can buy new toys.
Not much is new. Work is work. On the weekends I play poker. Usually I win. I've lost one week out of the last 8. Played three tournaments, and placed in the top three in two of them. I've made the same amount of money in the last 3 days of playing poker than I have in the last 4 weeks of "real" work. This makes me think I should go to part-time and play more poker.
I just bought an Ipod with some of my winnings because I had some Amazon coupons that were about to expire. And it seems like it's taking for-f--king-ever to transfer my music to it. Currently it is on song 358 of 2850.
If you live in Portland, and you are someone I enjoy you should contact me before Sunday. Because I will be in Portland that night to go to a show, and after the show you should join me for some food or a drink or something of that nature.
Now it's on 447 of 2850.
That is all.
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2:45
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Ahh, the poker.
I've been going to the Shanghai every weekend to play Texas Hold Em poker, and I've been doing pretty damn good.
Tonight I sit down with my usual rack, and a couple of hours into it I've got a little under $600 sitting in front of me. This happened last weekend as well and I had the sense to get up and leave. I was pondering doing this again when I look down and see that I've got a pair of jacks in the hole. I make a smallish bet, nothing so large that I'll feel locked into the pot if nothing comes, but big enough to build it if something hits. The flop comes Jack, King, Eight-two of which are hearts. I've made trip jacks, and no one else was betting like they had pocket kings, so I figure I'm in. I slow play the jacks, small bet, hoping for callers, which I get. The Turn brings the Queen of hearts to the table and I get kinda scared at this point, fearing that someone has pulled their flush. The table checks around. The river brings another Queen, making my full house. I'm first, and I push $10 to the pot, hoping that someone will raise me so I can re-raise them. Sure enough someone does, seeing my $10 and raising it $50 more. I re-raise to $100. He in turn re-raises all in. We're pretty evenly matched, and I immediately call him. I've got him covered, so I push my $419 to the pot and flip my cards "Jacks full of queens". He turns his up and shows a Queen and an 8. Queens full. Motherf--ker. That's what I get for slow-playing. If I'd been more aggressive I'd be much richer.
What do you do when you lose almost $600 in one single hand of poker? Go home and watch four hours worth of the OC. Awesome.
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13:43
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
All week long I've been stuck on long calls and haven't been able to get off work in time. Last night, one minute before log off time I get a call and the special instructions box pops up with "Jimmy* speaks very slowly and is hard to understand, but with a little patience you can help him just like any other customer." I don't know which is worse, the handicapped or old people.
Things I have learned:
Do not be mad at your cell phone company if you gave a phone to your 14 year old daughter and she ran up $300 in overage, ringtones, and text messaging charges.
Cell phones come with user manuals. You are the user, read the manual before you call us up to ask insipid questions.
Lonely? Guess what, I'm not paid to be your friend and talk to you on the phone, go to a bar with the rest of the lonely people.
Unlimited weekend calling does not mean you can call China for free.
We have translators, use them.
Asking to speak to a supervisor won't get you anything extra, they'll tell you the same thing I did, but not as nicely.
Not much else is new. I work, I gamble. I signed up for Netflix so I don't even have to leave the house to rent movies. Awesome.
*=name changed.
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11:04
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
How to get looked at funny and get poor customer service:
Wear a shirt with a big pink boombox printed on it to a Gun show.
F--king rednecks.
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2:29
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Also, this trailer from The South Will Rise Again cracks me up bigtime. Zombies. Rednecks. Metal. Meth labs. and...KARATE!
Yeehaw indeed!
Also check out the trailer and website for Undead on Arrival. It doesn't have karate or methlabs, but it does have tanks and hot punk rock girls.
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1:10
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
At a store earlier today I had a girl kinda flirting with me.
She had a large amount of facial hair.
And I am so desperate that I almost thought about going for it.
Yikes.
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1:06
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
This totally cannot be real.
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13:00
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
Sometimes at work we get customers who ask to speak to a supervisor. Most of the time it's because the person is upset about something and thinks that only a supervisor can help them, or they're just a jerk who thinks that being a jerk will get them free stuff. In both cases they are usually wrong.
Occasionally however we get a customer who wants to talk to your supervisor because they want to praise you. These are good. Your coach will see it, your team manager also knows about it. It basically shows that you're doing a good job and making customers happy, which is what customer service is all about. The more of these they see the more chance you have of getting recognized and promoted and given a bonus and a raise and gold and hot dogs and stuff.
What happens is the customer talks to your coach, and tells them why you are rad, then it gets written down and you get a little notification of it, alot of the time the actual sheet with the praise printed on it will get posted in the main hallway of the center as well. For the most part these "kudos" calls are all related to the service. Mine have been customers who were happy I could fix their problem, or were impressed with me and decided to stay with the company instead of cancelling service. Business related.
The other day I got a kudos from a crazy woman. Our calls are usually under ten minutes. Hers took an hour. She sang me a verse of "the sun will come out tomorrow", told me about her broken phone jack, her children, how she's had credit problems, etc, etc, etc. All in a speedy tone that sounds like she used to be an auctioneer. Finally she says that she'd like to talk to my boss to tell him I do a good job. She talks to him for another half hour. And you know what my kudos said?
"Paul is the sort of man that any mother would be happy to have her daughter bring home."
Yeah, that'll really help get me f--king promoted fast.
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16:39
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The other night was my friend Daves wedding. It was fun, but I learned an important lesson: Just because the wine is free does not mean you have to drink large quantities of it. Lordy, I did learn that lesson.
The problem here is that the "bar" at the wedding consisted of beer and wine. Damnitall. No screwdrivers to be had unless I wanted to continue paying 4.50 for them, and while I dearly love the hand squeezed orangey goodness of a Mcmenamins screwdriver it seemed foolish not to take advantage of the free booze to be had. I dislike beer, so I decided I'd start on the wine. Things were going good. Free food, good friends that I haven't seen in awhile. It was turning out to be a great saturday night.
Then it started to hit me. I was drunk. Severely drunk. I seem to recall eating a steak with my bare hands, and toasting the bride and groom with said steak. At some point we left the reception at Mcmenamins and went to the D&D bar. I don't remember this journey. At this point my body said "Hey, it is now time to purge me of these devil fluids, I COMMAND YOU TO VOMIT!!!!!" So I headed to the mens room of the D. A terrifying place. An hour later I left the mens room, having emptied my body of pretty much everything I could. Laurel offered to drive me back to Jons so I could rest, and I happily did so.
4:30am. I bolt awake with the realization that I have to get home because I have my moms car and she has to be at work at 5:30 in the morning. Problem: my vehicle is downtown. Knocking on Jons door gets no answer, so I call a cab. I feel pretty good at this point, no longer drunk, just feeling the beginings of a hangover starting to kick in. The cab shows up, and as soon as it starts moving I begin to feel nauseus. About a block from my car I know that I'm going to puke. But there is no way I can hurl in the backseat of this poor cabbies car. A: I've had people do that in mine, and it sucks. B: he will think I'm drunk and call the cops the minute I sit my ass down in my car. We stop, and up it comes. I clench my lips tight, and hold it all in while I pay the man his $5, with a dollar tip. "Thanks". "mmhmm" I mumble through a mouthfull of puke. I make my way out of the cab, and casually walk behind a bush to empty my mouth of its cargo of sick.
Goddamn you wine. You are not my friend.
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2:16
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
So I walk into the bathroom stall at work today and it looks like someone either trimmed their pubes or shaved a mouse on the toilet seat.
Now I'm afraid to use that bathroom. Only one left.
I'll fill out the responses to my last post when I have more time.
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0:59
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.
The last time I did one of these things and people replied they never actually did them in their own journal. SO if you leave your name and you don't post this in your own journal I will delete you from my buddy list because you are obviously a s--tbag.
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14:22
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RAMBLETRON 4.75.269
The most in depth conversation I've had with anyone in the last week occured at a Mcdonalds drive-up window with a girl I've never met before.
My life is awesome.
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